More Information

Before I forget, I wanted to go over the information we got from talking to the doctor this afternoon. One good thing was that the Dr. tape recorded the appointment and let me have the tape, so I can listen to it again if I forget some of the things she said.

First of all the pathology report. Dr. L is pretty sure she got the entire tumor. She even took some "margins" because she was concerned as soon as she saw it. The tumor measured 1.6 cm, so she was really impressed that I found it. She said most patients don't feel a lump until it is between 3 to 5 cm. It was a Invasive Ductal tumor, meaning it started in a milk duct and then broke out of it. It was a Stage 3 tumor, meaning it was very aggressive and fast growing. Her thoughts were that it couldn't have been there more than a couple of months. She also said she doesn't think I would have found it if I had been breastfeeding, because my breasts would have been much more full and lumpy anyway.

Because, I am so young, Dr. L wants to pursue a very aggressive treatment plan. She said she is sure that the cancer we have found is gone. As far as we know, I no longer have any cancer in my body. However, if a couple of cells had broken off before removal and got into my blood stream or lymph nodes, they could take years to develop into another cancer. Fifteen or twenty years from now I could find a lump/spot on my lung, liver, or even brain. Twenty years from now, I will only be 46 years old. She said if I were 65, they would probably just say the cancer is gone, maybe do some radiation and be done. If 20 years later (at 85) something showed up, we'd deal with it then. However, they don't want to have to deal with a reoccurrence. I'd like to stay healthy for another 50 or 60 years.

So here's the plan:
Step 1 - Testing. First an MRI. This will allow them to look at the rest of my right breast and look at the left breast to be sure there isn't anything else in my breasts. They got me in right after the appointment for the MRI. Next, I have a mammogram scheduled for Tuesday. (I'm expecting that to be plenty painful on my fresh incision.) Friday morning Dr. L will be meeting with a team of about 20 doctors that meet weekly to discuss new cancer diagnosis patients. They will look over my ultrasound, pathology slides, MRI and mammogram information and agree with a game plan for treatment. Friday afternoon, I will meet with Dr. L again to go over the results of the new tests and confirm our next plan.

Step 2- Surgery. Dr. L wants to go back in and do "Sentinel Lymph Node Mapping." This will probably be in early October. Basically she will go in and use some dye at the tumor location and determine which are the main 3-5 lymph nodes that could have been affected by the cancer. They will remove those lymph nodes (from my armpit) and send them off to be tested. They'll get the results in about 10 minutes and then if they are clear, they'll close me back up and I'll go home. If they detect any cancer, they'll remove 10-20 lymph nodes at that time. Also during this surgery she may go back into the original site and remove some more tissue. Apparently some of the margins were only 1mm, so she might want to take out more tissue just to be safe.

Step 3 - Estrogen Sensitivity. At some point (I can't remember when) they will test the tumor to see if it was sensitive to estrogen and thus affected by my hormones. If it is, they will have me take a medication (pill) once a day for 5 years.

Step 4 - Chemotherapy. Regardless of the results of the lymph node surgery. I will be having chemo. This will start about a month after the surgery. Again, they want to be sure they kill everything, so I won't have as much of a chance of developing other cancer down the road. I will have probably 4 to 8 cycles. Most likely it will be a cycle every 2 to 3 weeks.

Step 5 - Radiation. Once the chemothereapy is completed. They will do radiation treatment at the tumor site. I will have to go in 5 days a week for a 5 to 10 minute session for 7 weeks.

Step 6 - Monitoring. I will be seeing Dr. L at least every 6 months until everything is complete. Then she will see me annually forever. I'm guessing I may have frequent mammograms too.

The hardest part of the whole appointment for me was when I asked about having more children. Eric and I had been planning on starting again in March. That's not going to happen. I will not be able to get pregnant while I am taking any of the medications. So if I have to take the pill for estrogen sensitive cancer, I will have to wait at least 5 years to get pregnant again. The doctor assured me, I'll only be 31 and perfectly cabable of having a baby, but that sort of squashes the idea of having my children 2 years apart or even considering being a surrogate. She seemed fairly sure that I'd be taking this pill, so we didn't ask how that timetable changes if I don't. I guess we'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

Sometimes your plans have to change. Funny how everytime I come up with a plan, God reminds me that I'm not in control of my life. I have to trust that he'll take care of me. I also thank God that I already have Grace. We'll deal with this now and when the time comes we'll decide if we want to attempt to have another child (6 years later) or if one is enough.

I'll leave you with a verse my Mom gave me today.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Pathology

This morning at 9:30 a.m. the surgeon called with my results from biopsy from surgery. Let's just say when the surgeon calls personally, it can't be good news.

I have cancer. It stills blows my mind. I'm 26 years old with no family history and yet, somehow, I developed breast cancer.

I'm doing ok. I think I'm still in shock and it hasn't really sunk in yet. Eric was a mess, but he's doing better now. We are going in to talk to the doctor at 4:30 this afternoon. I'm guessing she'll tell me most of the same things she said on the phone, but this time I'll listen.

I think we're going to do some testing to be sure it isn't anywhere else, and maybe discuss what treatment options will be.

I don't really know anything else right now. I'll update you as I know more, but for now, just keep me in your prayers.

My Great Husband

As promised (to Eric) here's a post about how great Eric's been lately.

A couple of weeks ago when I was really stressed out, I actually let it all out to Eric. I tend to be good at venting on my blog and even to my friends, but I think I don't like to complain so much to Eric. He tends to prefer to give me advice rather than just listen and empathize, so I get annoyed because I just want him to listen. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I just let it all out and we talked and I cried for about 45 minutes. It was so great. He did offer some advice, but mostly he just listened and told me that it sounds like I'm just really afraid of failing. I have never really failed at anything I've wanted to do and I've just got so much going on I can't give 100% to everything, so something's got to give. He helped me realize, I've just got to do what I can and keep in mind what's really important and where my priorities need to be.

Last week was really crazy. Eric had to help out alot. Wednesday, I went to get my hair cut after work, and Eric got Grace and fed her before I got home. Thursday I left for Toronto for a work meeting, so Eric had to take care of Grace Thursday night, Friday morning, and Friday night. I got home around 8 p.m. on Friday. I came home to a clean house. He had picked up, took the laundry upstairs, put his clothes up and left mine on the bed to put away. The dishwasher was even running when I got home. I got to relax Friday evening. Saturday, Grace started stirring at about 6:45 a.m., so I was about to get up and Eric told me to sleep and he would get her. So I slept until 8 a.m. Then I took the dog and cat to the vet for a 9 a.m. appointment and Eric stayed home with Grace. After lunch, I took Grace to the mall to get her pictures taken and shop with Samara and Ava. Samara, Will, and Ava came over around 6 and we got take out and the boys watched some college football. However, when I got home from the mall, Eric had mowed the yard and even ran the vacuum in the house.

I couldn't believe how much work he had done without me even asking. This week he's really helping out too. Yesterday, he took care of Grace all evening, since I can't lift her. He then went out and picked up some dinner for me after Grace went to bed. This morning, I offered to get up with them and feed Grace if he would just pick her up and put her in the highchair or on my lap. He didn't see the need, so he let me sleep and took care of her this morning.

So, lately I've been very impressed with how helpful Eric has been. I think things just get easier as Grace gets older. She's not as intimidating for Daddy to take care of anymore and she's just fun. Also, I think he realizes that I don't get to sit down until after she's in bed and I do the rest of the daily chores, so he has decided to help.

He's got some more stuff coming up to help me. I'm not supposed to do any lifting for a week, so he'll be helping alot over the next week. Then, I've got a girl's weekend in 2 weeks. In about a month, I'm going on a retreat for church, so he'll have her then too. I just need to be sure I give him some time for him. It's football season now, so I need to be sure he can have some time to himself on the weekends.

Under the Knife

I'm pleased to report that I made it through my surgery today. I had to be there at 10 a.m. and was scheduled for a 12:00 surgery. It's such a long drawn out process. We got there at 10 and breezed through registration. We went to the surgery waiting area and they took me back to get into the hospital gown and get the IV started. They brought Eric back to wait with me until they took me to the pre-op area at 11:20. The only difference was they took my glasses, put me in a bed instead of a chair, and actually hooked up the IV. Surgery was supposed to start at noon, but the doctor was running late, so we didn't start until almost 1 p.m. I had a little TV to watch though, so it wasn't too bad.

Once they took me back to the OR, things got blurry. I remember moving to the table and then at some point they must have started the anesthesia. Next thing I remember was waking up in recovery. After a while they moved me back to the first room I was in and Eric came back to wait with me while I started to get back to normal. They let us leave around 2:45 p.m.

After the surgery, the doctor went to talk to Eric. She said that it went well. She ended up taking some extra fatty tissue from around the tumor, because it was "harder" than she expected. I asked Eric if she meant "more difficult" or "hard/solid." He said it was harder, as in more firm. She said that she wanted to have it tested again and in Eric's opinion she was "slightly" concerned about it. This concerns me a little because in her office she kept telling that cancer is very hard like a rock and she was sort of concerned about the ultrasound. Now, the first biopsy came back benign, so that is encouraging and I'd be surprised if something changed this time, but it's just one more thing to sort of worry about. They got my last results in 2 days, so I'm going to call on Friday to see if they know anything, but the discharge nurse said I'd get the results in about a week.

Anyway, recovery should go as follows. I am to limit activity for the next 48 hours. I have to leave the bandage on for 48 hours and cannot get it wet. I also have an ice pack to have on for 30 minutes then off for 30 minutes while I'm awake for the first 24 hours. After I remove the outer bandage, I will have "steri-strips" that will stay on for 7 to 10 days. I do not have any stitches on the skin level. I have a follow up appointment in the office on October 13. The only other difficult thing is that I can't do any heavy lifting (over 10-15 pounds) for a week.

So far I feel ok. I was nauseous soon after I got home, but ate some soup and took a nap. Now that I'm on painkillers and using my ice pack I feel ok. Eric's been good and took care of Grace this evening. (I promised him a post on how great he's been this week, so I'll work on that one tomorrow.) Tonight I'm going to just watch some TV and hang out on the couch.

New Do

Got my Hair cut.


You like?

I haven't figured out how to post Flickr pictures yet, so go there to see some more cute ones of Grace.

Nine Months

Today is Grace's 9 Month birthday. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful she is now. She has such a personality. She's changed so much this weekend. She's a determined crawler. She's getting some speed now too. If she sees something she wants, she'll head right for it. Sometimes she'll get frustrated and cry if she isn't getting there fast enough. For example, if I'm in the kitchen and she's in the living room and she wants me, she'll crawl right for me and cry the whole way there. She also will pull up and stand on anything. The coffee table was first, now toys, walls, chairs, even my legs are used to pull herself up. She has figured out how to sit down without falling and cruises around the furniture. She's attempted steps at day-care which have resulted in her falling and hitting her head on various objects, but she's doing it. I fianally did some babyproofing this month. I installed a gate at the top of the stairs, Grace has to stay in the pack-n-play while we're in the shower, and I did a couple of the cabinets in the kitchen. She has 2 teeth and I'm expecting more any day. She's been chewing on her hands, drooling, and sticking out her tounge a lot over the past couple of days. Our prediction is walking at right around 10 months. I love it.

Here's her progress according to "What to Expect the First Year," The Ninth Month:
By the end of this month, your baby
...should be able to:
- work to get a toy out of reach
- look for dropped object

...will probably be able to:
- pull up to a standing position from sitting
- get into a sitting position from stomach
- object if you try to take a toy away
- stand holding onto someone or something
- pick up tiny object with any part of thump and finger
- say mama or dada indiscriminately (I still don't know if she means me)
- play peekaboo

...may possibly be able to:
- play patty-cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
- walk holding onto furniture (cruise)
- understand word "no" (but not always obey it)

...may even be able to:
- "play ball" (roll ball back to you)
- drink from a cup independently (thank you new sippy cup)
- pick up a tiny object neatly with tips of thumb and forefringer
- stand alone momentarily (almost!)
- stand alone well
- say dada or mama discriminately
- say one word other than mama or dada
- respond to one-step command with gestures (give that to me - with hand out)

Getting Better

I'm not sure what the change is, but I'm feeling beter this week. I took my CPCU exam (although I didn't pass and will have to retake it). I actually got something accomplished at work today and I got to have an evening out with my husband this weekend. I've still got some stress. I've decided not to worry about the diet until things calm down a little. I've got a trip to Toronto Thursday and Friday of this week and surgery next week. At least I feel a little better for the moment.

Anyway, about the weekend. We left Friday after work for Indiana. Grace was right on schedule. She played and chatted nicely in the car until we stopped at 6:30 p.m. for dinner. We all ate and then got back in the car. At about 7:25 she started getting fussy and then at 7:35 p.m. fell fast asleep. When we got to Eric's mom's house, I woke Grace up to change her diaper and put her in her pajamas. When she saw we were in a new place and her Nana, she was wide awake. Considering the time difference, I decided this was ok and hoped she'd sleep later in the morning. After about 45 minutes she started acting tired again, so we put her to bed.

Despite my hopes, Grace woke up at 5:30 a.m. (6:30 our time). As soon as she cried, Donna got up and got her. I got up too and fixed her breakfast (cereal, bananas, and bottle). Then I went back to bed until about 7:30 a.m. while Donna fed her and played. When I got up I made some dip for the family reunion and Eric and I showered and got ready while Grace took a nap. We woke Grace at about 10:00 and fed her again before we headed to the reunion. The reunion itself was ok. It was hard on Grace because she had to be held, play in the pack-in-play or in the stroller. The reunion was at a park, so we couldn't let her crawl around anywhere. Eric's brother and family arrived at around 2 p.m. Eric, Grace, and I left around 3:30 and went to the mall to get some clothes for a family picture (we had a misunderstanding about whether or not we were going to do pictures, so we didn't pack clothes). When we got back to Donna's we changed, cleaned up a little and fed Grace. Then we went to BW3's with Kyle and Leslie to watch the OSU/Texas game. We stayed until just after halftime and then went to Bogey's to play a round of putt-putt and ride go-carts. We got home around midnight.

Grace got up at 6:30 and so did everyone else. We all showered and dressed and headed across the street to get our pictures taken at Donna's neighbor's studio. We took a family picture of Eric, Grace, and I. We also took a picture of the whole family (Donna, Kyle, Leslie, Ashton, Logan, Eric, Grace, and I). This one wasn't as good as we wanted it to be. Logan decided, since she was two, she didn't want her picture taken. She screamed anytime we even attempted to take a picture. We did the best we could. Finally at around 11 a.m. we left for home. We had to stop for lunch and then stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so finally made it back around 4:45 p.m. One good part was that Logan uses a sippy cup that Grace will be able to use. It is called a Nuby and has a very soft top and spout. If you put pressure on the spout (biting or sucking), a valve opens and the liquid will pore out. We bought several at Wal-Mart when we got back. After Grace went to bed we watched the Colts win the first game of the season.

Very relaxing weekend.

Grace's Consultation at Children's Hospital

We had a 1:30 appointment today at the Craniofacial Clinic at Children's Hospital to get some more information about Grace's cleft palate surgery. At 2:30 p.m. we finally left the waiting room and went back to exam room. Grace played nicely for the first 45 minutes or so, but then got fussy because it was about naptime. Luckily, she let me hold her and rock her and fell asleep in my arms about 10 minutes before they called us back.

The first doctor that we saw was the surgeon that will be performing the surgery. He said his office will call me to put it on the schedule. I asked when he thought it would be and he said in December, around her birthday. She will come in for surgery, spend the night and most likely come home the next day. They need to be sure she is eating and drinking well before she comes home. He said the worst part for her and me is that she will need to be in arm restraints to keep her from putting her hands in her mouth. I asked how long, and he said "2 to 3 weeks." That's right, she won't be able to put anything in her mouth for 2 to 3 weeks. I asked how that will affect her crawling, walking, pulling up, etc. He said it might set her back during that time. The restraints will keep her from bending her arms at the elbow. She will be allowed to use a bottle and have soft baby foods. She will also be permitted to use a pacifier, but won't be able to put it in her own mouth. I asked how they will fix the hole. They will cut two slits in the skin on the roof of her mouth to either side of the opening. Then they will pull the skin over and sew it shut in the middle. The raw areas on the sides will heal over the same 2 to 3 week period. He gave a 85% chance that she will only need the one surgery.

Next we saw the dentist team. He looked at her new teeth and was glad that I am already brushing them. He gave me the name of a dentist that she should see when she is between 18 months and 2 years old. This dentist is familiar with cleft palate patients. He said the only issue she may have is that after the surgery, her mouth may be "less stretchy" so her upper jaw may not widen appropriately. If this becomes a problem, she may need some orthodontics to help correct it.

Next came the speech therapist. She asked if Grace was babbling and if she was making any sounds that might be words. I told her she says ma-ma, but I don't know that she means anything by it. She asked if she understands commands like come here, no, or lifts her arms to be picked up. I said yes. She asked if I had any concerns about her hearing or any other issues. I mentioned that she doesn't make the "da" sound yet. I asked when we will know if she needs therapy. She said at her 2 year appointment, they will be sure she has several words in her vocabulary. At age 3 they start listening to the quality of the words. Therapy may come after that. She also told me to use the non-spill proof sippy cups to teach her how to drink. She doesn't think that she will be able to use a spill proof one right now. Although, the day-care says she uses one well there, I may need to see which kind I gave them and try it out at home. I asked about her bottles. She said that after surgery I can keep using the same bottles or just wean her to a cup at that time. I'm not sure what we'll do yet.

Next came the ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat) doctor. He asked about her ear infections, and I told him that she's had 2 single, and 2 doubles. He looked in her ears and said the eardrum looks, "dull and doesn't have much movement." He definately thinks she should have tubes put in. It will add about 5 minutes to the surgery. They will make a tiny slit in her eardrum and insert the tube for drainage. They will grow out in about a year and by that time, she hopefully won't need them anymore.

Finally, the surgeon came back to wrap up. I asked him about Grace's recovery time and how much time we needed off work before she can go back to daycare. He said we should be with her at least 2 weeks, maybe 3. I guess that makes since with the arm restraints. It might be hard to send her back to daycare like that.

So, we're waiting on a call to schedule her surgery. I'm hoping if they are doing December, that they will do it after Christmas. I keep thinking of her in those restraints for a birthday party and Christmas. It just seems so sad. Also, I only have 5 days of vacation left to take this year. If it was after Christmas, the two week period would go into January, and I'd have more vacation. Although, Eric seems to think he'll have a lot of trouble getting off work the last week of December. If taking time off is a problem, we may be able to get some Grandma help. I know my Mom mentioned wanting to come out when Grace has her surgery. Also, Eric's mom told us that she is off work from December 16 - January 2, so we may be able to have them help out if we need to go back to work. I have two January 1 renewals, so I may need to go in for a day or something. I guess we'll just see how the scheduling goes and go from there.

On a Lighter Note

So, now that's I've got the health stuff out of the way, here's the rest of my week.

Tuesday - Had my appointment and got home around 6:30 p.m. Did the normal routine and studied after watching Big Brother. (Yeah, I'm a reality TV junky).

Wednesday - Had to pick Grace up from daycare, as it was the last day of the month and Eric worked late. Got a migraine almost immediately upon leaving work. Took some Imitrex as soon as Grace and I got home. She fell asleep in the car, so when we got home I layed on my bed with her for about 20 minutes. Eric got home when we got up and took care of her while I layed on the couch and eventually was sick to my stomach. I put Grace to bed at 7:30 and then took a quick bath and was in bed at 7:45 p.m. No studying.

Thursday - Attemped to reschedule exam at 4 p.m., realized I was now within 24 hour window and unable to reschedule. Watched Big Brother while studying. Studied until 11:15 p.m.

Friday - The office closed at noon, but of course I had a big crisis and couldn't leave that early. I stayed until 1:45 p.m. when I had to leave to take my exam. Good thing was that I was just waiting on people at work, rather than working on something myself, so I took a practice exam while waiting after noon. Took my 5th CPCU exam at 2:30 p.m. I'll give myself a 50/50 chance that I passed. I really need to study earlier in the process. I got home around 4 and logged on and did some more work related stuff. Got an e-mail at 4:45 telling me I needed to put together a proposal and letter for the client by the end of the day on Saturday. Got very annoyed. Started cleaning the downstairs, played with Grace. After Grace went to bed, finished cleaning the downstairs and did my proposal and letter for work.

Saturday - Grace slept until 8:30. Left at 10 for shopping. Met Samara at Babies-R-Us, then went to Wal-Mart and the grocery store. Got home around 2:30 p.m. and Grace was very ready for a nap. Spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning out the refrigerator, and cleaning the upstairs while Grace napped and Eric played with her. Grace went back to bed at 7:30 p.m. and I finally started baby-proofing. I got the Lazy-Susan and two cabinets done. Eric's Mom, Brother, and two nieces arrived at 8:30 p.m. Just hung out with them.

Sunday - Got up with Grace and Eric and made pancakes for everyone. We went to church with his mom and my oldest niece. Kyle and Logan stayed home. After we got home I made some macaroni and cheese (the oven kind) and a fruit pizza. Eric grilled burgers and hot dogs and we had a nice dinner. Kyle and Donna had never seen Lord of the Rings, so they pretty much spent all day watching all 3 movies. Yeah. My nieces don't have a bedtime, so when they finally collapsed at around 11 p.m. and I realized I couldn't make it through the third movie, I decided to head upstairs for bed at 12:30 p.m. Eric came up around 1:15 a.m.

Monday - Grace got up at 7:15. Spent a little time visiting with the family. They left around 9:30 a.m. We've spent the rest of the day just hanging out.

So, that was why I didn't post last week. I do realize that I've been lax about updating about all of Grace's achievements. I mentioned she's crawling. She has definately mastered the art of crawling. Her first forward motion was on Friday, by Sunday she could go several feet. And by the end of her first week of mobility, she could pretty much go anywhere she wanted. We also got our second tooth a week ago.

Last week, Grace's major skill has been pulling herself up. She now can easily crawl to any object, grab ahold and stand up. She has now figured out how to move her feet while standing, so she's officially "cruising" or walking around furniture while holding on. It makes her so happy. It's really cute, this weekend she's been practicing sitting down. She'll let go with one hand and turn out to the side, then she bends her knees and plops down to her bottom. No more random falling for her!

Here's a picture of her standing. By the way, this is the more formal living room, this isn't where she usually practices her pulling up. We have a nice wood table with rounded corners that she usually uses.



Ok, tomorrow look for an update on our appointment at Children's Hospital. I'm hoping I'll have a date for Grace's surgery.

The Rest of the Story

I am so sorry about my tardiness in updating about my appointment with the Breast Surgeon and the biopsy. Per my last post, I've been a little stressed and haven't got around to posting.

Tuesday I had an appointment at 5:00 p.m. with a Breast Surgeon. They called me earlier in the day to tell me they had a 4:30 cancellation, so I went earlier (still didn't see the doctor until 5 p.m.). I started to get a bit freaked out in the waiting room as a couple of women were in the waiting room that obviously were cancer patients (they had lost their hair and were wearing hats).

When I saw the doctor she first took my history. She seemed very interested in the fact that I have an 8 1/2 month old. She said that could lead to a cyst or even the hormone changes could accelerate growth in a Fibroadenoma. Then she did an exam and said, "It doesn't feel like cancer." She said cancer is very hard, like a rock.

Next she looked at my films. She said the same thing as the nurse at the radiology lab. She prefers to see egg or oval shaped Fibroadenoma's. She also said that in one view there was a dark shadow by it that she didn't like very much, but another view showed white behind it. She said basically that from my history and exam her guess would be a cellular fibroadenoma, but my ultrasound was throwing her off. She decided to do a FNA (Fine Needle Aspiration) and send the fluid/cells to pathology. She said she hoped she'd get a little old milk.

When she was done, I asked her what she thought. Apparently she didn't get any old milk, because her guess was the fibroadenoma. She said when she tries to get cells from a cancerous tumor it's like trying to scrape a rock. However, regardless of the result she wants to remove it. She said whatever it is, is fast-growing and could be aggrevated by hormonal changes, so it would probably get bigger when I get pregnant again. She scheduled me for surgery to remove it on September 21. When they remove it, they will also send it to be tested again.

I received the pathology results on Thursday afternoon. "Benign, results consistant with Fibroadenoma."

Friday, the nurse from the radiology lab called me. She was glad to hear things were good and told me she was a bit concerned with my ultrasound. However, she kept reminding herself that I'm only 26. See, now they tell me how concerned they were.

Anyway, results were good. Surgery scheduled in about 2 weeks and then this should be over. Thank you for all of your prayers.

Breakdown

First of all, this may be a somewhat upsetting post, but I feel like I’ve just got to get everything out. To my family and friends, I am alright, so don't get too concerned, but sometimes you just have to get it out.

I feel a little out of control right now. It seems hard to pinpoint the exact cause, but I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders trying to crush me. Stress is the only word I can think of to describe it, but it’s more than I usually feel.

Top of my mind right now is the biopsy thing. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it and I’m so young, it’s so unlikely that it’s serious, etc. It’s so surreal and all it keeps reminding me of is September 2003. I had that ultrasound with Dr. D and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The doctor kept reassuring me that it was early, I might have my dates wrong, everything else looked normal, but it didn’t add up in my head. I tried so hard to be positive, but in the end, they were wrong. It wasn’t normal, my baby had died. That’s what this feels like. Both nurses have told me I’m young, it’s so unlikely, it’s probably a cyst, etc. But I keep seeing the cloud shaped spot on the ultrasound. The one “spike” the nurse didn’t like. The fact that if that was an ultrasound of a 65 year old, they would be very concerned. I’m so scared that these lab results will come back and everyone will be wrong and it will be something to worry about. I know they are trying not to make me worry, but I feel like they are just trying to put a positive spin on it. I want to know what the nurse really thought when she looked at that ultrasound. I’m also scared that I’m going to this appointment alone. There’s no reason really for Eric to be there, I should be able to drive, etc. Plus the appointment is at 5 p.m. and someone has to take care of Grace, but I wish he could be there with me.

Work is also really stressful. I feel buried like I’m just doing a little bit of everything and nothing is getting my full attention. I’m about to go into my busy time of year and it scares me that I didn’t get caught up this summer as planned. I also enjoy my job less than I used to. I used to love my job, but now I hate that it follows me home. At night when I try to zone out and relax, all these “to-do’s” for tomorrow keep jumping back in my head. It makes me tense and I have anxiety about what I am not getting done.

I have another CPCU exam on Friday. I’ve reviewed the definitions for this exam, but nothing else. We unexpectedly had company this weekend (my FIL called on Friday to tell us they wanted to come and visit), so I didn’t get to use my last weekend to study. That means I have to crack down and study every night this week when I get home, so everything else to do will get pushed to the back.

I am trying to diet and exercise, but when I am stressed, being healthy is the last thing I worry about. I barely have time to consider making a healthy dinner and all I want is comfort food. We are also constantly eating out and we spend way too much money. Grace’s daycare is expensive and now it’s starting to add up. We spend like we did before she was born and have been slowly dipping into our savings. We seriously need to crack down or I don’t know that we should even consider trying for another baby in the spring. We can barely afford this one. (I know we can afford it, but we have to make some sacrifices in other areas of our lives.)

So after all that, I still have my home life. Eric and I don’t spend enough quality couple time together. We need to hire a babysitter and go out, but it seems like every weekend sneaks up on us and then we don’t do anything productive. My house needs some serious cleaning, but that means I have to give up time with Grace to clean. I feel so guilty when I just set her in the room with me and have her follow me around while I do stuff. I think she is wonderful, but I worry that I am not doing the right things developmentally for her. Do I talk to her enough? Do I try to teach her things on her level? Do we just play enough? Do we have to TV on around her too much? Am I being the kind of mother she deserves?

To top it all off, I think I’m having some kind of spiritual epiphany. I have felt God calling me to be closer to him. I feel like I am supposed to reach out to mothers or people that want to be mothers. I am considering leading a bible study, but I haven’t had the time to research a topic or speak to our minister about how to get one started. When I do my daily devotionals, I feel at peace, but the human side of me pushes that out of the way when I get too busy. I have felt like God is calling me to do something really special and important if I would just take the time to listen. I am so afraid that if I don’t get my act together soon, I just might miss it. I’m not sure what it really is, but I feel like it’s something relating to pregnancy/motherhood. My passion is for women in this stage of life. I feel very strongly that I want to be a surrogate someday for someone that can’t have their own children. My heart breaks every month for one of my best friends, Erica, as she has spent two years trying to become pregnant. I feel it’s important to share with people that have lost children. I love talking to new mothers about the trials of those first few months. My heart belongs to that whole phase of a woman’s life and I feel there is something in this area that God wants me to do, if only I take the time to listen.

So anyway, that’s a little bit about what’s going on in my head right now. I wish I could take a vacation from it all and just be renewed. A break that would revitalize me and make me feel not so far behind in my life. Unfortunately, most of the stuff will still be waiting no matter how long of I break I take. Writing this down makes me feel better. Well, lunch break is over. I need to get back to work. Thanks for listening.

Answers...Sort Of

This afternoon I had the ultrasound on my breast. I was pleasently surprised that they took my back quickly and I had virtually no waiting. First the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound. I could see the dark spot that appeared to be the lump, but I don't really know much about what's what. She said that it looked to her like a "Fibroadenoma," but she'd let the nurse or radiologist explain what that meant. Then she let me take a little catnap while we waited on the radiologist. After maybe 10 minutes he came in and basically said that they wanted to send me to have a biopsy done.

After that, they let me dress and then I went to the nurse's office. She was great. I spent about 45 minutes in her office going over everything. In her opinion it is most likely either a Fibroadenoma or a Complex Cyst. A Fibroadenoma is a solid mass and is common in younger women. A simple cyst is filled with clear fluid and shows up completely black on the ultrasound. A complex cyst shows up more cloudy and grey and is filled with "gunk" made up of blood, protein, or even old milk. Both cysts and fibroadenoma's are usually oval shaped and have clean edges. Cancerous tumors are much more irregular and may have lumpy or jagged edges or even spikes. My lump looks like a cloud.

The nurse said if I were a 65 year old woman, she would be very concerned based on the shape of the lump. However, she kept reiterating that at my age, it is very unlikely that it is something serious.

A biopsy needs to be done to determine what the lump is made of. The first step is to see a breast surgeon. The surgeon will do an exam, look at my films and possibly do the biopsy in her office. If she does it at that time, she will do a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA). This involves a very thin needle. If it is a cyst, it should deflate. If not, she can draw up fluid or cells to send to pathology. If she decides not to do the procedure in the office, she will refer me back to radiology to have an Ultrasound Guided Biopsy. This procedure is slightly more invasive and requires local anesthetic. Again the collected fluid or tissue will be sent to pathology. Because she didn't know which way the surgeon would want to address the issue, she scheduled me for both appointments. I will meet with the surgeon on Tuesday at 5 p.m. and if needed will have the biopsy on Wednesday at 2 p.m.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I am more concerned than I was before this appointment. The nurse from the doctors office said that even if the radiological results were fine, that they would probably refer me on due to the size. I guess in my head, I assumed that they would say it was a cyst and then my doctor's office would have the surgeon look at it and decide what to do. We didn't get that far, the radiologist wants the surgeon to look at it because of the radiological results (rather than in spite of them.) I am also slightly concerned about the irregular shape of my lump. Although, they did say that I could have a cluster of two or three Fibroadnoma's that would show up as a funky shape from the ultrasound.

Hopefully, I'll know more next week. I hope that by going Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll get the results before next weekend. Again, they keep telling me because of my age and no history of breast cancer, they are pretty sure it isn't a serious issue, but I'll be glad when there is a firm diagnosis. Continue to keep me in your prayers.

Sweet and Sour

Sweet
1. I got a letter from my brother this week. It was very touching and said some really nice things about our family and our abilities as parents. I think he's ready to come home and we can hopefully get to see more of each other. I'd post some quotes here, but since most of my family (including brother) read this, I won't embarrass him. I'll just say, Thanks for the letter and we miss you too. Only a couple more months.

2. My husband has been very helpful around the house. Monday Grace was being a handful so he made a salad (cut up all the pieces himself), finished the chicken I started, and cleaned up the kitchen while I was giving her a bath.

3. Grace has been sick (see Sour below) and Eric has taken 2 half days off work, scheduled and taken her to the doctor, and filled her perscription, with no prodding from me.

Sour
1. Viral infection including a flu rash. Causing day-care to call Tuesday to tell us about her fever and Eric and I staying home today (half day each) to keep her from infecting the rest of the day-care center.

2. Double Ear Infection also found at the doctor's appointment. Antibotics prescribed to take care of that one.

Ahh, motherhood.

Forward Progress

Ok, I'm calling it. Today we officially had forward motion. Grace can crawl.

She isn't quite up to chasing the dog around yet, but I saw her put one hand in front of the other and make two "steps" forward before falling back down to her belly.

This week she has also learned how to get from her belly or hands and knees, back to a sitting position. This is helping her move around. She will move towards something then back into a sitting position and lunge forward in a different direction.

I have a feeling she could be scooting all over the place by the end of the weekend. She is also trying to pull herself to standing. She has been grabbing the edge of the coffee table and trying to pull up. Yesterday she made it to her knees. Tonight she was playing on the floor and Eric and I weren't paying attention to what she was doing. All of the sudden we heard the music from her Jumperoo and we looked over and she had crawled over to it and grabbed ahold of it and was trying to get the toys attached to it. Then tonight while I was running her bath water, I left her on the floor in her room. I can see into her room from the bathroom, so I looked back and couldn't see her. I went to see where she had gone, and she had crawled over to her dresser and had pulled herself to her knees.

We have lowered her crib mattress, so I think we're ok there, but I really need to do the babyproofing. We have already covered the outlets, but we need to do the cabinets and just look around for any other issues. Tonight she scooted over to the wall by the door in the entry way and was playing with the door stop. She pulled the plastic cap off of the spring. I was watching her and took it away before she put it in her mouth, but I have a feeling we are going to have our hands full. Makes me glad I'm taking an Infant/Child CPR class tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I added some pictures to my Flickr account. A couple random ones plus pictures from her first baby-pool experience last weekend. I have a couple more to add, but I had some camera/computer issues tonight and didn't feel like messing with it anymore tonight.

Exam

Just thought I should provide an update about a female issue I've been having.

I'm not really sure when I first noticed it, but probably at least a month ago. Anyway, I noticed a lump on my right breast. After a little while, I decided to mention it to Eric and he suggested that I call the doctor immediately. I have decided to switch OBs, so I called the new doctor. I haven't been there yet, but I have my annual exam scheduled for September 12. I called them and they told me the best time to do an exam is after my period and asked where I was in my cycle. I was about 4 days post ovulation, so they told me to wait until after my period and call back if it was still there. I then called my old doctor (who I haven't informed I'm switching yet) and they told me the same thing.

So, I waited. My period ended on Monday and when I was back in town on Wednesday, I called the doctor back and informed them it was still there. They scheduled me for a breast exam this afternoon.

I saw a Nurse Practioner and think I will like this new doctor's office. Since I was due for a PAP, they went ahead and did it today, so I can cancel my other appointment. When she did the exam, she agreed, that I do indeed have a lump. She was very low key and didn't want to get me worked up, but my impression was that it was fairly sizable. She wrote me an order to have an ultrasound on my breast to determine what the lump is made of. She said that I will get the radiological results the same day, but then they will call me to discuss. However, she thinks I will need to see a breast surgeon. She said even if the results of the ultrasound come back fine, if the lump is over a certain size, they like to have it looked at. Since we could both feel mine, she's pretty sure they will refer me on after they get the results of the ultrasound.

She did a good job at downplaying the possibility of cancer. Most lumps are not cancerous and considering my age and no family history of breast cancer, it is very unlikely that this is going to be something serious, but they do want to make sure they check it out. The surgeon will either decide to just keep an eye on it, drain it (if it is a cyst), or do a biopsy.

I called for my ultrasound appointment and am scheduled for Thursday afternoon next week. I'm hoping the results will be good, but it seems like there's a good possibility that I will need to at least see a surgeon to see what they want to do.

I'm not really worked up about this. I think Eric is more worried than I am, but I wouldn't mind if you readers kept me in your prayers. I'll keep you updated.

8 Months

Grace turned 8 months old on Friday. She's such a big girl now. I absolutely love this age. She's so social and happy. She is easy to get a smile or giggle out of and everyone who comes in contact with her mentions either her cuteness or how good she is. I would think I'm biased, but I seriously get comments from perfect strangers all the time, so she must actually be really cute.

Anyway, despite what I've been saying for weeks, Grace is still not crawling. I would say she definately will be by 9 months...but, I don't want to jinx us. She gets on her hands and knees often and rocks back in forth, but she hasn't made real forward progress. I would consider her mobile. She can get into about anything and is all over the room. She is becoming increasingly vocal. She loves to say "ma-ma", but says it all the time, so I don't think she's calling for me. She likes the sound of her own voice and uses it often and loudly. One of her new favorite times to chat is 5:00 a.m. She usually goes back to sleep until a reasonable time afterwords. She likes to stand up all the time and likes to bang on everything. Anything to make noise.

Our biggest milestone this month is a new tooth! This is very recent. I was out of town on Thursday and Friday, but Eric pointed it out to me on Saturday. You couldn't see it, but when you feel her gum it's very sharp. Today, you can see the tip of it poking out. It's broken the skin, but not all the way above the gum yet. She keeps sticking her tounge out to feel it.

Here's the milestones we've reached for 8 Months based on "What To Expect The First Year." The bold items we have reached.

By the end of the Eighth Month your baby:

...should be able to:
- bear some weight on legs when held upright
- Feed self a cracker
- Pass a cube or object from one hand to the other
- rake a raisin and pick it up in a fist
- Turn in the direction of a voice
- Look for a dropped object

...will probably be able to:
- stand holding on to someone or something
- Object if you try to take a toy away
- Work to get a toy out of reach
- play peekaboo (So cute! She even initiates the game now.)
- get into a sitting position from stomach

...may possibly be able to:
- pull up to standing position from sitting
- Pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger
- say mama or dada indescriminately

...may even be able to:
- Play Patty-Cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
- walk holding on to furniture
- stand alone momentarily
- understand the word no (but not always obey it)

Very Very Busy

I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long, but things have been crazy. Grace is currently playing on the floor next to the computer and I don't know how long that will last, so I've got to be quick.

Last weekend I was running non-stop. Well, Friday night Eric and I rented a couple of movies and sat around eating pizza, but still. Saturday I spent all afternoon shopping/visiting with Samara. Grace and I got home in time for dinner and her bedtime ritual and then after bed, I went to the grocery store. Sunday we went to the 10:00 church service, grabbed some lunch, and headed to our softball tournament. We ended up winning 2nd place overall, but that meant games at 1 p.m., 3:30 p.m. and 5 p.m. Immediately after the last game, I headed straight back to church for Vacation Bible School from 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. I worked in crafts.

Bible school ran Sunday through Thursday from 6:30 - 8:30. So my evenings have been busy. Monday night I got a call from an old friend from high school that happened to be in Dayton with her hubby and kids. She asked if we could get together for dinner on Tuesday. I cancelled at VBS, since I've only seen her once since my wedding 4 years ago and they drove over and we had dinner at Champps on Tuesday night. Despite being an hour and a half overdue for bedtime Grace was well-behaved and we had a good time. Wednesday, I was really busy trying to finish up things at work because I have 2 trips planned and won't be in the office until Wednesday next week. I stayed at the office until 6:10 and then went straight to VBS. I got home and packed for my trip. Thursday I flew to Chicago for some training for a new job responsibility I've been given. Thursday night I had dinner and got to hang out with Danialle. Friday the training lasted until 4:30 p.m. then I headed back to the airport for my 7p.m (central) flight. I got home from the airport around 10 p.m.

Today I'm just hanging out at home and trying to get some domestic duties done. I am working on sending out Grace's 6 month pictures (yes, I realize she's 8 months now) and I need to make the grocery list, etc. I also didn't have access to my e-mail at the hotel, so I need to check in for work.

Monday I go back to Chicago for a different meeting and will get in late on Tuesda. After that, things should slow back down. So, see I have been busy, not just lazy.

Grace is getting antsy, so I'm going to go play with her. Later I'll come back and do her 8 month update. Wow, where does the time go.

Another Week

Nothing much going on here, but I thought I should write something. We just had a nice relaxing, nothing planned kind of weekend. Well, originally we had things planned, but they were out of town things, and Eric always works the last weekend of the month, so we stayed put. Originally, I was supposed to go to a High School friend's baby shower back in Indiana on Saturday, and then my cousin got married on Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately with Eric's work schedule, he couldn't have left until Saturday afternoon, which would have killed the shower idea. I didn't want to drive that far with Grace by myself. And then the wedding was at 4 p.m. on Sunday, so we probably would have had take today off work. Nothing seemed to work out, so we didn't do anything.

Saturday I got lucky and Grace slept until 8:30 a.m. Eric was already at work before we got up. Didn't do much around home, just some laundry, ran the vacuum, and then did some shopping errands. Saturday evening, our neighbors came over and we grilled steaks out and played some games. We always take turns dog-sitting when we go out of town, but we haven't really done anything social in a long time. It was nice to spend time without asking for a favor.

Sunday we had church and then a 2:00 p.m. softball game. After the game we just hung out at home and relaxed. It was actually very, very nice.

This week my company bought us tickets for a family night at the Minor Leauge baseball game. We'll go and hang out with others from work. Friday, I have "summer hours" so I'll get to leave at noon. Not really anything else planned.

Next week will be very busy. Sunday is our softball tournament and then VBS starts Sunday evening through Thursday evening. This year I'm doing crafts. I have to miss the last night for a work meeting in Chicago that will be Thursday and Friday. I'll catch dinner with Danialle on Thursday though. Then on Monday I'll head back to Chicago for a baseball game in the evening and a different meeting on Tuesday.

Can't think of much more to talk about. I did download some of our Chicago pics in Flickr. I'm also planning on eventually organizing my pictures into Albums and also trying to figure out how to get the video I took of Grace playing online. I don't think I can host it on Flickr and I'm not sure how much space it will take on Ripway. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

Pictures

I found some pictures I could post. This is one of Grace's 6 Month pictures taken by JC Penney's. More of my favorites are at Flickr.

Still Here

People have been getting on me about my lack of updates. I'm still around, just been busy (or not really feeling like being on the computer).

My vacation went very well last week. I got most things done that I planned on (except babyproofing!). Our trip to Chicago was also very nice, although the mood wasn't quite as planned. We almost cancelled our trip because Danialle was going to be gone most of the weekend for the funeral, and it didn't feel right to just go ahead and have "fun." We ended up deciding to just go ahead and go, and Danialle let us use their apartment while they were out of town.

I would love to post some pictures of our vacation. In Chicago, Grace took her first ride on the "El." We went to the acquarium, saw Wrigley field, and had lunch at ESPN Zone. However, our camera is currently saying that our memory card is corrupted, so we may have lost all of those pictures.

Things are a little busy at work, as they usually are after getting back from vacation. To top it off, for some reason my e-mail at work is malfunctioning. I am receiving messages, but nothing I send is getting there. This has been going on since very late afternoon on Tuesday. I'm hoping it will be fixed by the time I get in in the morning.

Things are good at home. Grace had some new firsts. I gave her apple juice for the first time. She really liked it and I just screwed a bottle cap with a fast flow nipple on a baby-size serving of juice and she drank it herself! I was very proud of her, because she's used to having us squeeze her bottles, so the fact that she drank it without help is a plus! I also gave her a "Biter Biscuit" and she loved it. It is very messy though, so she can only have it when she's wearing only a diaper. She also has a new thing where she goes cross-eyed when you are feeding her. I think she tries to follow the spoon into her mouth. It is really freaky looking.

Can't think of much more to say. I'll try to come up with some good posts in the near future. Feel free to leave a comment about what you'd like to hear about.

Bad Stuff

Please keep my friend Erica in your thoughts and prayers today. Her brother was involved in a car accident last night and has passed away today. This is just one more bad thing that she didn't need right now. Please keep her in your prayers that she will get throught this ok and not have to deal with any more negativity (for at least a while).

Vacation!

This week I'm on vacation and so excited about it. Here's what I have planned:

Monday (today) - Eric went to work and took Grace to day-care. I went back to sleep until 9:45 a.m. and then cleaned house all day. Eric came home (sans Grace) around 1:00 p.m. and mowed the yard, took Zeus to get his nails trimmed. and then went to get his hair cut before picking up Grace. I gave Zeus a bath and then I went to Target and then came home and took Grace for a walk before our nightly routine. I also managed to make a healthy dinner and work out this evening. After posting I'm going to start on my bible study! Also planning on revising the budget tonight.

Tuesday - When we all get up, we're taking Grace to day-care and Eric and I are having a date-day! We are planning on playing Putt-Putt, going to a movie and having a quiet lunch. Yeah!

Wednesday - We're going to keep Grace home. I'm planning on scheduling a massage for the AM and then maybe meeting up for some shopping (not planning on buying) to get us out of the house and let Eric relax a bit. Also need to do laundry.

Other items to work on in the early part of the week include finishing writing all information in the photo albums (dates, names, etc.)and baby proofing the drawers and cabinets.

Thursday - Pack in the morning for our trip to Chicago! I've been starting lists in my head, but will probably do all the packing on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning. Our flight leaves at 4-ish (I'll check on that before we go).

Friday - Still need to discuss plans with Danialle, but I'm thinking we'll go the Acquarium and do some sightseeing. Maybe a casual dinner out (with healthy choices of course!)

Saturday - Beach in the AM and some Magnificiant Mile shopping/browsing in the afternoon. Dinner out (our treat to our hosts).

Sunday - Return trip back home.

I already know this week will be too short. Good news so far is that my house is clean and I can relax.

Oh, and if you are wondering why I'm still taking Grace... We have to pay the daycare whether she's there or not, so if I have things I need to get done, I take advantage of the babysitting service we already are paying for. That's why tomorrow we're doing a day-time date! We've already paid for the childcare.

Speaking of childcare, we had an "incident" today. Grace was playing with a toy and Alex (he's about a year old) wanted her toy. She wouldn't give it to him, so he bit her and took it away. Poor thing. She has a little bite mark on her arm where he bit her. It didn't break the skin, so I'm not too concerned. I'm trying to be reasonable, as in the future, it could be Grace doing the biting!

Seven Months

Grace turned seven months old yesterday. She's really becoming quite a little person. She is starting to fuss a bit more, but I think it's because she now knows when she wants something and gets frustrated when she doesn't get her way. We may have to start using the word "no" soon.

We've moved up to Stage 2 foods this month and most of the time Grace will still finish her jars. She's really enjoying the new "dinners" she does very well on the ones with meat in them.

Last month I predicted we'd be crawling by this month. Not quite yet. She's definately getting closer. July 1st I noticed her move backwards for the first time. She trys to get around, but when she pushes off with her arms she goes backwards and then gets mad because she's farther away than she wanted. She can get her butt off the ground, but usually while her chest is on the ground. Several times I've seen her get her knees under her and get her belly off the ground, but only for a few seconds at a time. She can turn a complete circle on her belly and will pivot to a new direction if something catches her interest.

She really likes to stand too. If you hold her hands while she's sitting, she can pull herself to a standing position. She hasn't figured out how to use furniture yet, but once she does, she'll have the strength to pull herself up.

She still loves when you play peekaboo with her, although she doesn't really play along herself. She likes playing with all kinds of toys, especially ones she can bang on things or shake. She has very good hand/eye coordination and can pick up almost anything (and put it directly into her mouth). She especially loves non-toy items (remote control, keys, water bottles, etc.)

Here's the milestones we've reached for 7 Months based on "What To Expect The First Year." The bold items we have reached.

By the end of the Seventh Month your baby:
...should be able to:
- sit without support
- Feed self a cracker (we've never given her a cracker to try, but everything else she picks up goes in her mouth)
- razz (make a wet razzing sound) - Not sure why she's not interested in this one.

...will probably be able to:
- bear some weight on legs when held upright
- Object if you try to take a toy away (there is much crying and anger involved)
- Work to get a toy out of reach
- Pass a cube or object from one hand to the other
- Look for a dropped object
- rake a raisin and pick it up in a fist(never tried a raisin, but she'll pick up a bottle cap from a bottle of water)
- Turn in the direction of a voice
- Babble, combining vowels and consonants such as ga-ga-ga, ba-ba-ba, ma-ma-ma, da-da-da
- play peekaboo

...may possibly be able to:
- stand holding on to someone or something

...may even be able to:
- pull up to standing position from sitting
- get into a sitting position from stomach
- Play Patty-Cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
- Pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger
- walk holding on to furniture (cruise)
- say mama or dada indescriminately

Getting Things In Order

I'm feeling the need to post alot today, but this one's be rattling around in my head for a while, so I needed to get it down.

It seems like for a while now, I've been just going through the motions. To be honest, I think it was a matter of survival. The whole parenthood thing is overwhelming and scary and all consuming, but there are parts of my life I would like to get control over again. This is going to be a sort of mid-year New Year's Resolution. Here's what I want to focus on and my goals.

Spirtuality
There have been times in my life where I've felt very close to God and times where I've felt not so close. Right now I'm kind of somewhere in the middle. I don't feel far from Him, but I know I could be closer. I actually have a desire to do something to strengthen that bond. For about a year now, Eric has been going to a weekly Bible study and he's had some amazing growth. Since I grew up in church and he didn't, I guess I've always sort of thought of myself as spirtually more mature than him, but that isn't the case anymore. It isn't a contest, but I would like to be able to have discussions with him that aren't from my memory of lessons learned years ago, but of things I'm studying now. I want us to be comfortable discussing God and church at home, so Grace will know that Mom and Dad actually believe what they talk about at church. I don't really feel up to a formal study, but I have a book of a 12 week study that I did in college. At the time it was trying to tell me things I didn't want to hear, but I think I'm ready now. I plan on starting on Sunday.

Health
I know I've discussed it before and constantly on my diet blog, but I'm ready to get healthy. Spending time with my Mom a week ago was a real inspiration to me. She's dieted pretty much since I can remember, but the weekend she visited she stuck to it all weekend! That's a difficult task for anyone, but she was excited about it and doing great. I want to do that too. I've done it before so I know it's possible. Read my post here for more details, but my goal is to lose the rest of my baby weight (7 1/2 pounds) in the next 2 months. I'd like to lose about 15 total before I get pregnant again.

I would also like to get in a routine of staying fit and eating right. I didn't do a good job during my pregnancy with Grace, but I'd like to try to be a good habit and really eat well and exercise next time I'm pregnant. Sort of like a practice run. I know I've discussed it with my close friends and family, but I don't think I've mentioned it here. After I have my second child, I would like to be a gestational surrogate. I have done a little research and will have much more to do before the time comes, but I really feel called to help someone else have a child. I loved being pregnant and have no doubts that I could carry a child and hand it over to the parents if I knew it had no genetic ties to me or Eric. I have fears that my one previous miscarriage might be a strike against me, but when the time comes I'll fill out the applications and hopefully someone will feel that I'm the right woman to help her. But, if I do get to follow through, I would like to be in the habit of eating right, exercising, and doing the right things. I can bend the rules with my body and my baby, but would feel guilty being less healthy with someone else's child.

Finances
Having a baby is a drain on the checkbook. Part of our problem is that we keep spending like before, but now have additional expenses. Eric and I have discussed a 5 year plan for our finances. In 5 years we would like to have the following done:
- Pay off credit card (trust me, that's an optimistic goal)
- Have only 1 car payment (pay off my car and keep it and trade his in for an SUV after baby #2)
- Be financially ready (or already have) moved to a larger home in a better school system.

I'm going to revise our budget and starting in August we are going to really try to stick to it. It will require some sacrifices (planned dinners out instead of whenever we feel like it, bringing lunch instead of eating out (could play into that health goal), less frivolous shopping for Grace). Some of the revisions might seem surprising too, for example, increasing our budgeting giving to the church. However, overall if we keep our goals in mind, I think we can do it and it'll be worth it in the end.

Professional Growth
I've been doing pretty good here, but in the short term I need to study for my next CPCU exam. I think I'm scheduled to take it in late September and for once, I would love to be fully prepared before the night before the test. I've got to start studying earlier.

I also have recently been named the Professional Standards Officer for the office. It technically isn't a promotion, just another responsibility. However, I'm pretty sure if I do a good job it will definately be considered when promotions are awarded. I'm in a less busy time at work right now, so I've got some time to really work on it. I've just got to get started before I get super busy again.

So those are my mid-term goals. I'm on vacation next week and in the early part of the week I'm going to try to figure out how to arrange my schedule to fit in planning my meals and diet, weekly monitoring of the budget, daily Bible study, studying for my exam, plus still have time for Grace and Eric. That will be the challenge, but I believe all of these things are good, so I'll be able to work it out.

GWO Recap

This weekend brought another GWO - Girls Weekend Out. As always I adored getting to catch up with my friends, but managed to find myself less relaxed and refreshed than normal. I think it is due entirely to the fact that I brought Grace along and only had an evening without her. While I think everyone enjoyed spending time with the babes, I was still "on duty" all weekend and didn't really get a chance to fully relax and have no worries. That's ok though because in 3 short months we'll be doing it again in Chicago and we've already decided to not bring the babies along.

Thursday I had a horrendous day at work, so luckily I had plenty to keep me busy until time to leave to pick Danialle up at the airport. Her plane got in at 6:30 p.m. and I was still almost late to get there. After I picked her up, we grabbed some McDonald's quickly and then headed to my house to get the rest of the girls. Erica went straight to my house and was playing with Grace and visiting with Eric when we got in. We packed up my stuff and Danialle's bag into Erica's Tahoe and hit the road. We actually had the thing packed! It didn't seem possible it was for only a weekend. I had a suitcase for me, small suitcase for Grace, her stroller, carseat, the Aerobed, a bag with the Aerobed's sheets and blanket, 2 pillows, a bag of Grace's toys (some blocks, floor blankets, and boppy), a bag of diapers and wipes, Grace's diaper bag, a jug of baby water, and a bag with all of Grace's bottles, formula, and baby food. We drove over to Samara's gave Grace a bath and put her to bed, visited a little and then went to bed ourselves.

Friday, we slept in a little (well, not Samara and Ava). I actually had to go wake Grace up at 8:30 a.m. We just hung out for a little while and then decided to go into Columbus for lunch and some shopping. We couldn't get both carseats and strollers into the Tahoe and still seat 4 adults, so Samara drove separately with Ava. She had to go by the hospital to get some breast pump supplies, so she was going to meet us at the restaurant. We ordered and appetizer and waited for a while. While waiting, Grace had lots of fun playing with this balloon.

After a while we decided to order and then Samara called and had had some problems, so she decided to catch up with us while we were shopping. We browsed Filene's Basement for a bit and then headed to Hobby Lobby to look for a craft project for Saturday. Samara met us at Hobby Lobby and we picked out some stepping stone kits. After Hobby Lobby Samara decided to head home for a nap and the rest of us went to the grocery store for supplies for our at home Mexican dinner. We also picked up a wide variety of Celebrity gossip magazines for our entertainment. When we got home we made our own taco bar and some other Mexican side items. We just hung out the rest of the evening catching up on the celebrity news.

Saturday morning we again slept until 8:30 a.m. (thank you Grace!) Once we got up we were very lazy all day. We worked on our stepping stone project. We used Mosiac glass and some letter stencils and mixed and poured the cement. They actually turned out really well and were fun to make. After that we started getting showers and dressed and ready for our evening out. The Dad's arrived for babysitting duty and we left the house around 5:30 p.m. We went to a trendy/modern Italian restaurant downtown. Our reservation was at 7:00, but they got us in right away. The food was very yummy and we tried to take our time. After dinner we weren't ready to go home yet, so we got the idea to go play a game of Putt Putt. However, we decided to stop at BW3s first for one drink. After that it was dark and Samara couldn't remember where the Putt Putt place was, so we decided just to head home. We got home around 10 p.m. and after just a little time to relax we headed for bed.

Sunday morning Grace decided she'd had enough sleeping in and started chatting around 5:00 a.m. She went back to sleep for a little while, but got up again around 6. I brought her into the guest room to lay down with me and she was quite until 6:20 when the alarm went off. We fed Grace, got our stuff together and headed out. I took Danialle to the airport, Erica headed for home, and poor Samara looked like she could use some more sleep. The goal was supposed to be that Dad would take care of the baby all night so she could enjoy herself and get some sleep, but it didn't quite work out that way (sort of reminds me of my first GWO after Grace). Grace was sleepy in the car, so when we got back to the airport I put her in her crib and went and layed down with Eric. About 20 minutes later Grace decided she'd slept long enough, so I started to get up to go get her. Then, Eric told me stay in bed, he'd take care of her and I could go back to sleep! I slept for 2 hours. We missed church, but we did go to our church softball game later that afternoon.

So, it was basically a good weekend, but I'll have to remember. Next time we have a GWO in a home city where you have access to the baby, make sure Dad gets her for more than just dinner. It's supposed to be Mom's weekend out, not Dad's.

Pictures

Happy Fourth of July!



Go to Flickr to see more.

Happy Fourth of July

We had a very busy, yet very nice 4th of July holiday. I was fortunate that our office closed both Friday and Monday for the holiday. Eric had to work on Friday, so I sent Grace to day-care and got some extra sleep for me. I also did a few chores around the house and then picked Grace up after lunch. I let her take a quick nap at home and then we went to JC Penney to have her 6 month pictures done. She was so funny and of course wouldn’t smile at the right times, but we did get a couple of good shots and overall it went well. Samara and Ava came out to the mall too and we did a little shopping. Towards the end of shopping we decided to see if the Dad’s wanted to come meet us for dinner. We went to Champps. Both the girls were ready for their dinners. I went inside with the guys and fed Grace at the table, but Samara stayed in the car to feed Ava. About the time our food arrived (Will had ordered for Samara) we realized her car was gone and both Will and I checked our phones and saw that she had tried to call us. It must have been too loud to hear them ring. Ava decided she wasn’t ready for her first dinner in public, so the only option Samara could think of was to take her home. We felt bad that we missed her and couldn’t do anything to help. After dinner, Will went home, but Eric and I headed over to a friend’s son’s Little League game. After the game we stayed and watched the downtown fireworks from afar. We weren’t really close enough for them to be loud, so Grace slept in her stroller through most of the evening.

Saturday we had a kind of lazy morning, but went to the airport to pick up my parents just after noon. We then stopped and got some lunch before heading home. We put Grace down for a nap and then Mom and I planned out our meals for the weekend and headed to the super Wal-Mart. The guys seemed to think we were gone too long, but we had fun shopping (without Grace!). We brought home some deli chicken and then just hung out at home.

Sunday was a really busy day. We got up and went to church. After church we came home and had some sandwiches and fed Grace. Then we spent the entire afternoon at the zoo! It was lots of fun and Grace was well-behaved, but it was HOT! By the time we finished we were all beat and ready to relax. We had dinner at Applebee’s and then headed home. Grace played for a while and has almost figured out how to crawl. She’s getting really frustrated because she wants to move, but just hasn’t figured out how yet. We put her to bed and then watched a movie.

Monday we got up and had a late breakfast at First Watch and then went to Best Buy. For once we didn’t do too bad. We bought some CD-R’s and a 3-pack of DVD’s for $20. After Best Buy we were a little tired and Grace was starting to fuss, so we went home and Grace and I took a nap. We just hung out in the afternoon and everyone else seemed to sneak a nap in too. We decided to grill steaks out for dinner and then around 7:30 p.m. headed over to some church friends house to hang out before walking over to a park for fireworks. The fireworks didn’t start until almost 10 p.m. and amazingly Grace was still awake. She cried a couple of times during the fireworks, but when she realized I was right beside her, she was fine. Watching the fireworks with her was so amazing. We were laying on a blanket on the ground looking up at the sky. She just stared and watched the whole thing, but her little hand was holding onto my finger the whole time. This time when I watched them I tried to see it from her point of view. Staring into the night sky watching these beautiful colors and shapes. No wonder she was amazed. It was so special to hold her and get to witness it through her eyes. She fell asleep during the walk back to the car and we put her straight to bed when we got home.

My parents left this morning and unfortunately we’re back to work. I’m looking forward to that vacation coming up. I’ll upload some pictures into Flicker tonight for your viewing pleasure. We have a lot of them!

Bummed

Today was the end of one of my best friend's 25th cycle trying to get pregnant. This month we really thought things looked good. It was her first month on Clomid and she had excellent timing and fantastic progesterone levels. We don't know why things aren't working for her, but they just aren't.

My heart breaks for her. I have no idea what it must be like to face that disappointment month after month. Especially when her friends and family all keep getting pregnant and then having babies around her. She's so strong and never lets you see that it maybe hurts to see you with your baby, but I know it has to make her heart ache.

I wish there was something I could do to help her finally get pregnant, but there's nothing any of us can do. All I can do is pray. Pray that she will finally get pregnant, pray that God will keep her strong, pray that she will continue to handle whatever is thrown her way. If you believe, maybe you could pray too?

FYI

I can't remember if I mentioned that I have decided to stop taking the pill. I had a mishap re-ordering through the mail this month, so I've been off this month and I noticed that I feel much better without the chemicals. Since we will might begin trying again in as few as 9 months, Eric and I have decided to use other forms of birth control. I'm not sure how much we will be relying on it for actual birth control, but I'm going to be charting my cycles again. I like knowing what's going on with my body anyway. So, just in case you are browsing through my side bar items and see that I'm charting again, I'm not on a secret mission to get pregnant. I'm actually trying not to get that way...yet.

Random Ramblings

I haven't updated much lately about the regular goings on of life. I feel like we've been busy, but I can't really think of anything specific going on.

I do know we've got alot planned for the near future. This weekend for the 4th my parents are coming to visit. I don't have much planned except for Fireworks on Monday. Luckily they don't really need to be entertained, they just want to see us. Friday will be the 6th anniversary of my engagement. Here's the story, just in case you are curious.

In between my Junior and Senior year of college I had an internship in Chicago for the summer. I only had a few weekends I was going to see Eric and because of the way it fell, we got a long weekend for the 4th, so I went home. My extended family always has this big 4th of July cookout. It's just alot of fun and our family is really welcoming, so lots of times in-laws come too. We invited Eric's Mom to come too. That Saturday morning Eric and his Mom showed up at my house. I was so excited to see him, since I hadn't seen him in about a month. We went to the party and after everyone had finished eating, Eric got everyone's attention. I don't remember the exact words, but his proposal went something like this, "While Jennifer has been away it's made me realize just how special she is and how much I love being with her. It's kind of ironic that as we are celebrating Independence Day, I want to commit my life to the woman I love." He then got down on one knee, pulled out the ring, and said, "Jennifer, will you marry me?" Of course I said yes. The really cool thing is that my parents knew he was going to do it, so they brought their video camera and have the whole proposal on tape. They even played it at our wedding.

So after that random story, here's the rest of my upcoming plans. The weekend of July 9th, I have another GWO. As always, I'm really excited. This one will be at Samara's and imagining a big slumber party. I'm bringing Grace, so it'll be the girls and babies! Samara and I went shopping last weekend, so she's had a trial run at leaving the house for an extended period of time with the baby. I think there will be enough extra hands to help out!

Then I have a weekend off, but Eric and I are taking vacation at the same time July 18-23. We are going to go to Chicago with Grace and stay with Danialle Thursday through Sunday of that week (I'll send you my flight plans, Danialle :)

Then the last weekend of July, I'm heading back to Indiana (not sure if Eric can come with me), but one of my old highschool friends is having a baby shower on the 30th and then my cousin is getting married on the 31st.

Not sure what we're doing in August yet, but time just keeps flying by. Well, I'm sort of putting off packing. I have a business trip tomorrow and am staying overnight, so I need to get my bag packed. Imagine that, I only tend to blog when I'm procrastinating!

Oh, and one more thing...send a prayer out for my friend Erica. This month looks really promising and we'd really, really like for her to finally get that positive pregnancy test. Two years is long enough to wait, don't you think?

6 Month Dr's Appointment

We had Grace's 6 month check up on Thursday last week. It went pretty well and was fairly quick since I didn't have too many questions.

Stats: 18 pounds, 3 ounces (90th percentile) and 26 inches long (50th percentile). Her head circ. was average too. She appears to be reaching all developmental milestones and the doctor said it looks like one of her teeth is "close" to coming in.

I asked about feeding, as I think that she's ready for Stage 2 foods. Dr. H said that it sounds like we're doing the right thing as far as how much she's eating. She said it's fine to try out some Stage 2's. She said as she starts to want more, not to increase her milk intake, just add more solids, however, she should still take most of her nutrients through her bottles. Not quite ready to start a sippy cup yet, but I can give her water or juice in a bottle if I want to, but she doesn't really need it yet.

After seeing the doctor, the nurse came back and Grace got two shots. The first one seemed to surprise her and then the second one just made her mad! She stopped crying as soon as I picked her back up though, and even gave the nurse another smile before she left the room.

That was about it. I somehow had a credit on account, so I didn't have to pay the co-pay and the nurse gave us a free package of Infant Motrin and 5 sample size containers of formula, plus 8 $1-formula "checks." I think we came out ahead.

Progress Report

Today the day care sent home a progress report for Grace. I thought it was cute, so I thought I would share here.

Social/Emotional Development
Grace has a very strong personality. When she is content she laughs, coos, and smiles. When she wants or needs something she will let you know! (crying or yelling) She is very social and likes to be around others. She distinguishes Mom and Dad from others and responds happily when she sees them.

Physical Development
Grace is able to sit up on her own for a few minutes at a time. She is starting to pull herself up with her arms - She will be crawling before you know it! She reaches for and grasps objects & likes to put them in her mouth. She will stand up when held by an adult.

Language Development
Grace is making more sounds and becoming more vocal every day. She loves to hear herself laugh & listen to the sound of her own voice.

Cognitive Development
Grace is interested, aware, and attentive to her surroundings. She pays attention to what is going on around her.

And here are some pictures taken today.




Just to narrate. This was right before bed. She sleeps with the teddy bear and likes to chew on his arm. I guess taking the pacifier away didn't quite get rid of her need to suck at night.

More at Flicker.

New Pictures

Check out the Flicker link on the sidebar for some new Grace pictures. They include her playing with some toys and a couple of her first trip to the zoo on Saturday. I'll try to write more soon!

Ma-Ma

Grace is now saying "Ma-Ma." I'm not getting too excited because I know technically this isn't her first word. She is just learning to make sounds and has figured out "M", but it sure is something to hear that sound from my little one's mouth. It's so cute. She figured this one out on Friday and for some reason will only say it laying on the changing table. (Friday morning with me, Friday after work with Eric, Friday evening before bath-me, This morning-me, this afternoon at Samara's-me). I can't wait until she knows what that means!

Making Some Changes

A very good friend of mine got tired of begging for pictures and created a Flicker account for me. I've added the link to my sidebar and here it is again. I added some fairly recent pictures and I will attempt to upload them there as well. I didn't want to go too crazy, so I didn't add too many, but there are some good ones.

I also did a little updating to my sidebar. I updated Grace's weight from her last official appointment and moved around some of the blog links to the correct category and added some more that I read. Didn't mean to let this fall into such a state, but I've got other stuff going on!

Six Months Old

Grace turned six months old yesterday. I can't believe a half of a year has gone by since she was born. Time goes so fast. I am so in love with her now. I really can't describe how much that love grows. It doesn't seem possible that I could love her any more than I do right now, but I have a feeling I will. She is developing such a personality. She's so happy. She rarely fusses. When she does, she's usually hungry or tired or you just took a toy away from her, but she can always be calmed relatively fast. I think she's hit a growth spurt recently. She goes to the doctor next week, but I think we're probably in the 18-19 pound range. She now has solid food 3 times a day. Oatmeal or oatmeal with bananas in the morning with a bottle, a jar of fruit with her mid-day bottle, and a jar of vegetables before her evening bottle. Grace can now sit unsupported for several minutes at a time and I have a feeling she'll be crawling before we do our 7 month update. She can turn around on her belly and will find a way to get closer to toys or other things she wants to explore, usually by rolling or stretching. She will also entertain herself in an exersaucer or even with toys on the floor. She loves to bang things to hear the loud noises. She also loves interacting with people. She has a wonderful sense of humor and loves to give deep belly laughs when you act silly. Peekaboo is a new game she finds especially funny. She loves to be startled. I adore her laugh. I find life especially nice, now that we have a good routine. Grace sleeps wonderfully (thank you so much Dr. Ferber). She goes to bed without crying at all between 7:30 and 8 p.m. and sleeps until around 6:15 or 6:30 a.m. Saturday we went through her evening routine and then instead of putting her in bed, we went out to eat. She was an angel. She just watched everyone and then went straight to sleep after we got home. The waitress even commented that she was one of the best babies she'd seen.

Being a Mom is the best thing in the world. I think everyone should fill their lives with children. I honestly can't wait for more. I'm told it gets more fun when they get even older, so I can't wait to see what's in store.

Here's the milestones we've reached for 6 Months based on "What To Expect The First Year." The bold items we have reached.

By the end of the Sixth Month your baby:
...should be able to:
- keep head level with body when pulled to sitting
- say ah-goo or similar vowel-consonant combinations (Grace doesn't say "goo" hard consonants are hard for her, but she does say "na" "ma" or "da", so we'll count that)

...will probably be able to:
- bear some weight on legs when held upright
- sit without support

...may possibly be able to:
- stand holding on to someone or something (she'll stand if you hold her arms in front of her or beside her)
- Feed self a cracker (we've never given her a cracker to try)
- Object if you try to take a toy away (Oh, yeah)
- Work to get a toy out of reach
- Pass a cube or object from one hand to the other
- Look for a dropped object
- rake a raisin and pick it up in a fist(never tried a raisin, but she'll pick up a bottle cap from a bottle of water)
- Turn in the direction of a voice
- Babble, combining vowels and consonants such as ga-ga-ga, ba-ba-ba, ma-ma-ma, da-da-da

...may even be able to:
- pull up to standing position from sitting
- get into a sitting position from stomach
Pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger(she picks up her rattle with her thumb and finger from a small piece that hangs off of it)
- say mama or dada indescriminately

A Day with Friends

Today was the day I planned to go over and help Samara with baby stuff and my main goal was to let her get some rest. Well, she didn't rest as much as I would have liked, but I'd like to think I was of some help.

A little background. Samara and Ava have been having some breastfeeding issues. Despite her requests in the hospital, she didn't get to see a lactation consultant in the hospital until day 3 right before checkout. As a result they weren't getting a correct latch (although Ava was still eating), so within days Samara had some major trauma to the area and on Thursday last week rented a pump and took a couple of days off to let herself heal. Monday she made an appointment with a lactation consultant to help her out. They had a fabulous appointment, but when they got home and tried it on their own, things fell apart and they've been having problems ever since. Because it's so hard, they've been doing alot of pumping and bottle feeding. Anyway, they spend a lot of time attempting breastfeeding, pumping, or bottlefeeding.

Today I arrived to help around 9:00 a.m. They were in the middle of a feeding attempt. I sat in the nursery and chatted for the next hour while Ava dozed in between attempts at feeding. At around 10:00 a.m. Samara had me give her a bottle while she pumped. Around this time she received a call from the lactation consultant who made them an appointment for 1:30 p.m. After pumping, Samara decided to take a shower while I held Ava. After the shower we went downstairs for a little while and then decided to try to feed Ava again at around 11:15 am. (we didn't want her to be starving for the appointment). While they were attempting, I did a load of laundry and took the dog out. After about 30 minutes, Samara decided to give her a bottle. It needed to be warmed though and while it was warming, Ava got her hungry cry, so Samara attempted again on the couch. They tried for a while more while I got lunch together. I ate quickly and then got the diaper bag and changed Ava's diaper while Samara ate lunch. Then we hopped in the car and headed to the appointment. We were at the center until 3:00 p.m. It was another good appointment. I think they might just get it this time. It also made me see just how difficult breastfeeding can be even with a healthy baby. I assumed we would have been fine without Grace's cleft palate, but now I'm not so sure that it still would have been easy. After the appointment, Samara stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up some feminine necessities, but as we pulled up Ava started crying. She ran in for a minute while I waited in the car, but after getting in a slow line, she decided she wasn't going to wait anymore and came back without her purchases. We hurried home because Ava was hungry! They had a successful breastfeeding experience. Yeah! And finally at 4:45 p.m. Samara got to take a nap. Ava slept the whole time too and I just held her until her Dad got home at 5:45 p.m. I left him with the baby and dinner and came home.

Ava is so sweet. I can't wait for her and Grace to meet and for her to get just a bit bigger so they can play. The next few years are going to be awesome!

Still Around

I feel much better now and my diet is going great this week. I should post about the weekend in Indiana or a variety of other things, but I should be cramming for my CPCU exam on Friday. I promise a nice post this weekend when the test is over. I'm hanging out with Samara and Ava tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have lots of stories and picks about time with someone else's newborn.

Blah

I thought I'd post this here as well as my diet blog, because I'm pretty sure I've got more readers here, and thus maybe I'll feel more held accountable.

I feel really bad about my body right now. I think it's starting to affect parts of my life. I hate walking by a mirror for the off chance I'll catch a side angle. It's affecting my "romantic" life because I never feel attractive. And unfortunately, when I feel this way, I'm indulging more in bad food rather than doing something about it. I've actually restarted my "diet" several times, but then something happens and I stop.

I know it's possible to do something about it. In 2003 I did Body-For-Life. It was great! I felt awesome. I only lost 9 pounds, but I got fit and dropped from a size 10 to a size 6. I looked great too! I did the 12 week program from February to May and kept it up for the most part until I got pregnant in July 2003. After I lost the baby, I got depressed and didn't do anything to lose the 10 pounds I gained during those 10 weeks. After that I was consumed with trying to get pregnant and by the time I got pregnant with Grace, I had gained another 5 pounds. Now, I'm still 10 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight.

Here's my motivation. I want to look and feel better about myself. I know once I get going I'll have more energy and feel better in general. I'm running out of time. Once I get pregnant again, I can't call these 10 pounds "baby weight." It's entirely possible that I'll be pregnant again in a year or less (we're planning on starting again next spring), so I want to be sure I get back to where I want to be before that happens. I want to make it a lifestyle so Grace will be used to eating healthy. I don't want to make it hard for her to stay at a reasonable weight growing up or as an adult. Maybe if I start losing, Eric will decide to join me. Sounds like I'm motivated right?

Here's the challenge...time. I definately can find time to exercise, but it will involve either getting up early (5:30 a.m.) which I'm not great at or giving up part of my evenings after Grace is in bed (after 8 p.m.). We have DVR now, so I can't use TV as an excuse. Dinners are hard too, because Grace starts dinner (and the rest of her nighttime routine) at around 6:30 p.m. The key will be to have a plan and start dinner as soon as I get home from work, so we can eat before she does.

Tonight I'm going to plan for next week, so I can get groceries tomorrow evening. We are going to Indiana Saturday and coming back Sunday afternoon, so I won't have time to shop then. I am planning on cooking what I can (chicken, etc) on Sunday's so I'll have less prep time in the evenings. I will keep track of diet and exercise. I'll update my diet blog, but I also bought the Body-For-Life journal and will keep it up daily. It was $25, so that in itself will make me not want to quit. I don't want to waste my money, by stopping on Day 3 and not being able to use it.

So, the diet starts Monday. I'll be taking "before" pictures, weighing and measuring with updates every 4 weeks. Feel free to follow along in my diet blog if you want, but wish me luck and I'll really try to stay on track this time.