Month 5 - Day 8

I don't really have much to update about, but felt like writing anyway. I just finished watching American Idol. It's weird, I watch every episode, but never vote. What else is going on? I've been having my headaches. One yesterday and today that needed my Imitrex. Over the last 5 months that I've been paying attention to my cycles I've learned a pattern to my headaches. I usually get about 2 that need medication the week after my period. Usually between CD5-9. Luckily, that is a "safe" time to medicate, since my regular doctor told me not to take Imitrex while trying to get pregnant as it's not in the "safe" category. I won't take it after ovulation. Here's my delima. My prescription is out of refills and I only have 1 more pill left. I saw my regular doctor in July and he didn't give me any more refills because I told him I was trying to get pregnant. I'm debating on whether I need to schedule another appointment and see if I can convince him to give me a refill if I promise not to take it when I could be pregnant. The downside to that is I already have my annual OB/GYN appointment at the end of April and I'm not sure if it will look weird to have 2 doctors appointments in a month (to work people). Also, I really despise my doctor. I guess this would be a good time to look into switching my primary physician, but wonder if that would be weird to go to a new doctor to try to get drugs. I will probably just suck it up and go see the doctor I hate, get my refill, and then switch doctors.

Not much else to say. Not charting seems to leave me with a lack of things to discuss babywise. I'm really looking at this as a month off of trying, although it will be interesting to see if Eric trys to time things. Kim from my office has her shower on Friday. I'm looking forward to that, although I still need to go by a frame for the baby thing I cross-stiched for her.

One more thing. I don't think I mentioned this before, but about two weeks ago, I found out another woman in my office is pregnant. I feel bad admitting it, but when I heard, I was insanely jealous. Here's the story. She didn't know she was pregnant at the time, but ended up going to the hospital and having emergency surgery for an etopic pregnancy the day I had my D&C. It was kind of strange that two pregnancies ended the same day in our office. I don't really know this woman, we just say hello in passing, etc. About two weeks ago I overheard her tell someone that she was 12 weeks along. She must have gotten pregnant again pretty quickly. I'm not sure why it made me feel so bad. She had a bad time of it too, and definately deserves a healthy happy pregnancy. Her getting pregnant in no way affects my ability to do the same, but I guess it just was hard to see someone who had a pregnancy end the same time as me get her happy ending (or beginning) first. It really made me feel horrible that my first feeling was a negative one. I certainly would want people to be happy for me when I get pregnant again. I am happy for her now, it just makes me feel a little sad at the same time. Today was the first day she wore maternity clothes. Why is that harder for me to deal with than planning the shower at work for the baby that is due a week after mine should have been? I guess the pain comes back in unexpected ways.

Another thing, an intern in my office stopped by my cube to chat today. She's really sweet. She's 22 a college senior, etc. She of course knew about the first pregnancy, etc. Today she asked me how everything was going in the baby department. I said no luck yet, and she asked if I was trying. I said yes. She asked why it was taking so long. Good question. (That's one way to know she's still just a kid, most people wouldn't think to ask someone they knew was trying to get pregnant why it's taking so long.) Obviously, we're trying, but I think I need to accept that the time must not be right. I wouldn't wish a loss on anyone, but the waiting this time is certainly helping me keep things in perspective. Being a parent is serious business, and honestly the idea still terrifies me at times. I thought I was ready again immediately, but every month that goes by makes me realize how special it really is. When the time is right, I will cherish every moment. I hope I don't have to wait that much longer, but have faith that God knows when the right time for me is. That's why all the charting and timing and planning haven't worked yet. I can't say when the time is right, I just have to have faith, that someday it will be.

Well, that's enough for now considering I had nothing to write about when I started. Whew. I'm getting a little mushy.