Random Thoughts

I was doing some baby related thinking today. Waiting is hard. Sometimes I think God makes us wait (teaches us patience) so we will really appreciate things when they come to us. Before trying to conceive I never imagined that I would have difficulties or lose a baby. Actually, I thought more about NOT being able to get pregnant than losing a baby. The thought of a miscarriage never entered my mind. Even when I got pregnant, I could read the scary parts of the What to Expect book and not really worry. I was more concerned about the changes happening to my body, than to worry about the life inside me. Now I think about that. The longer I wait to conceive again, the more I worry that I'll be scared while I'm pregnant. Initially I thought, that I would be able to relax after I make it to the first Dr. appointment and I get to see the heart beat. That didn't happen last time. I still hope that's true. I'm not usually a worrier and I don't want to spend 9 months being afraid. I want to enjoy every moment.

I think another example of my fear is considering when I want to tell people I'm pregnant again. Of course I'll tell my family and close friends. Although, last time I made a big deal and it was special the way I told my parents. Now they know we're trying and we discuss it throughout the month. There are a couple of people I'm close to at work that I will probably tell immediately. (Tammy, Kim, and Heidi, probably Kristin too, since I dragged her into my feminine cycle so she knows when I'm expected AF). I think the rest of the workplace will wait until after the first trimester, well at least until I have that first doctor appointment. I'm not sure why I want to wait. If I lose another, I'd want them to know, but I think I'd kind of like to have my little secret for a while. We'll see what happens, I thought I'd wait a couple of weeks last time, and I told everyone within 3 days.

This post is starting to get long, so I'll make this my final thought for now. I think about Erica alot. If I could say a little prayer (I already did earlier) my hope is that Erica gets pregnant first. I'd love for it to happen the same month. This one is fine, as we'd have the same due date, but if only one of us gets it, I want it to be her. When there's something you want very badly, time seems to almost stand still. This is month 4 for her which must seem like an eternity. It seems right that she's been trying longer, so she should get it first. (Technically, I've been trying longer if you count the first one, but I think the counting starts over). I also pray that my experiences won't rob any of the innocence and excitement from her. I'm a little scared about getting pregnant again, but I don't want her to have any fear. Ideally, this will be the month for both of us and we can be amazed together as we count down the weeks. It only seems right that we would have babies very close together, since we were born only days apart.

Ok, I'm really done now. It just feels good to get your thoughts down sometimes.