One Year Ago

One year ago today, my doctor confirmed that our first baby didn't make it. I just re-read my post about that appointment. I'm strangely comforted by the fact that reading it again did bring tears to my eyes. I don't want to forget.

However, I think this is a time I need to reflect on the last year. One thing that Derek Webb said at the concert last night struck me. He said that people tend to think of blessings as the good things that happen in your life, like riches and success. However, many times our blessings come in the bad things like poverty, failure, and heartbreaks. Those are the times when we need God the most. While I have a hard time believing that the loss of my first baby was a blessing, I would agree that that experience has led to many other experiences that have left me blessed. Let's review.

Eric and I are closer than ever. Mourning our first child together was so difficult, but we did it together. I love him so much more today than I could have even imagined on our wedding day. While it didn't happen immediately, I also have grown spiritually. I didn't want to be one of those people who ran to church or started praying the minute things didn't go my way, so I resisted turning that direction right after my loss. However, as time went by, I realized that it was ok. God doesn't really care when or how you come to him, as long as you do. In the past year Eric and I have become members of a church and still attend regularly. Eric has actually just recently joined a weekly bible study too. I also learned that no matter what, you really can't control everything in your life. This was my big trying to get pregnant lesson. For 5 months (which in reality isn't that long of a time) we did everything exactly right. Our timing was good, I monitored all my fertility signs, but still no baby. Until I finally figured out that it wasn't up to me. Some people can get pregnant on the first try, sometimes it takes 5 months, sometimes it takes more than a year, and none of us really have any control in how long that takes. Perhaps most importantly I realized what a gift pregnancy and children are. It's not something you can take for granted.

So, in summary, one year ago was probably the lowest point I've had in my life so far. However, I think it's made me a stronger person, a better person. Perhaps it's easier to look back while even at this moment I have a new life inside me. She's been kicking me all through this post, perhaps to remind me that while I lost one baby, she's still here. I can't control what will happen in this pregnancy either. As far as I know, she's healthy and thriving and will come out in 2 1/2 months a beautiful, healthy baby girl (or boy!). If all goes as planned, I will be so thankful that I have her and that I was blessed with this child.

But, I never want to forget that first baby. The one I never felt move or kick and only loved for the idea of what he or she would have been. I still love that baby, my first baby.