The Doctor's Appointment

I've been putting off writing this for a couple of days, but by now everyone that probably reads this page, knows what happened.

Friday morning was my doctor's visit. Our appointment was at 10:00 a.m., but we ended up having to wait until about 10:45 a.m. before we got in because someone was in the room with the ultrasound. When I finally got in, the nurse took all my vitals (weight, blood pressure, pulse) and then left me to strip down and wait for the doctor. When Dr. DeAngelo came in she knew we were anxious, so she said, "Let's skip the chit-chat and get to this." She started the ultrasound immediately.

As soon as we got a picture on the screen I immediately noticed that I still didn't see any movement. Dr. DeAngelo started clicking on different areas to take the measurements. Then she told us that there wasn't any change from last week. Everything looked exactly the same. Eric and I were both in tears because we knew what that meant. She said that she had hoped it would turn out differently. I sat up and she told us that she would let me get dressed and give us a few minutes and then she would come back and we would talk about what happens next.

When she came back, she told us that first of all there was nothing that we did or didn't do or anything that we could have done differently. Sometimes this just happens and we don't know why. Maybe something wasn't developing right or there was some problem, but we probably won't every know why this happened. She said the good news was that the chances of this happening again are very slim and I will probably go on to in the future have a normal healthy full term pregnancy and baby. Miscarriages are very common and happen in 1 out of 5 pregnancies. She will only get concerned if it happens 2 or 3 times in a row, then they would do tests and try to figure out the cause. She also said that if we want to, we can try again as soon as I have one regular period.

So right now, I have 2 options. The first is to just wait it out and let Mother Nature take it's course. Eventually I will actually miscarry and it will be alot like a heavy period, with bad cramps and lots of bleeding. If I go that route, she will want to continue to monitor my hormone levels to be sure that they decrease at the appropriate rate and she'll want to see me again in 2 weeks to be sure that everything is complete. I asked how long it could take to start and she said it could happen anytime from immediately to another week or two. I just need to decide if I want to wait. The other option is a D&C. In that scenario I would go into the hospital where they would put me under and Dr. DeAngelo would go in and scrape out the contents of my uterus. This option carries the risks associated with surgery as well as a slight risk of uterine scarring. She told me to go home and think about it and call the office on Monday to tell her what I want to do.

So then we left. Eric and I both took the rest of the day off work and tried to figure out how to deal with this. A lot of the feelings I've been having are a little too personal and raw to put here right now. We have been surrounded by a lot of support. We have received flowers from friends in both of our workplaces and from Eric's father. My parents flew in from Iowa on Saturday to spend a day with me and show me there support. We also went to dinner and a movie with our best friends.

For the most part I don't think I've had the major breakdown I was expecting. I've been very sad and certainly had my share of tears, but I think the sadness and shock has been tempered by the fact that I had a little bit of an advance warning. I've spent the last week, trying not to fear the worst, but knowing it was a possibility. I also have not had to go through the physical loss of this baby yet. So far, the loss is all emotional. I'm sure there are difficult days to come.

I have found a way to deal with this in my own way. I plan to put together a memory box as a sort of memorial to the loss of my first baby and pregnancy. I plan to write down my feelings in a sort of letter to the baby and put in a box along with other momentos I have, including my pregnancy test, pictures from my parent's when I told them, pictures of the flowers people sent, my pregnancy planner, and probably a copy of this website. When I feel the memorial is complete, I'll put it away. Someday I can look back and remember this sad time in my life and hopefully reflect on the many blessings that came after. I can share with my future children my love for this first baby that never came and always remember.