What Ifs

Two years ago today, I had my D&C after my miscarriage. I knew this date was coming up and had been thinking about what I would write about. With everything else going on it’s changed my perspective.

Life happens and sometimes bad things happen to you and you don’t know why. However, those bad things contribute to your life and what kind of person you are afterwards. Considering everything that’s happened in the last two years, I have a hard time saying that I wish it hadn’t happened. Of course, I wish I hadn’t had the pain and sadness, but let’s take a look at one what-if scenario.

If I hadn’t lost my first baby he/she would be 18 months old. I wouldn’t have Grace (there would be a different baby instead). I wanted to have children about 2 years apart, so it would be very possible that I would currently be pregnant again. Assuming all else is the same, what if I still developed cancer? With pregnant breasts, I may not have found a lump. It could still be growing. Even if I did find the lump, all drug treatments would have to be postponed until after the baby was born.

Despite that, I think my losses have made me a better person. I am more compassionate, more caring, and I think, a better friend.

What will the next two years bring? All I can say is that I hope they make me an even better person. I’d like to think that all of this will allow me to help others. I certainly can empathize with a lot of people. Before reaching age 30 I have gotten pregnant, had a miscarriage, had a wonderful uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery, had a child with a birth defect, and had breast cancer. I also stand beside a very close friend dealing with infertility and realize that after chemotherapy I may be dealing with it personally. All of that has to count for something. My hope is that I will be a person I’ll be proud of in the years ahead and maybe can be a comfort or inspiration to someone else that is going through something similar.

I can’t answer the question “why?” I can only take what I am giving and do the best I can to know that God has a plan. We may never really understand what that plan is, but through our trials and sorrows we may be able to find out just what we are really made for.