My Life - In Review

This is the post that I started on paper at 4:30 a.m. last Wednesday. I decided to take a look at my life and try to figure out what it all means.

The definition of life from dictionary.com includes a. The interval of time between birth and death and b.The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.

I've always considered my life fairly average...with highlights. I put together this photo album to capture some of the highlights. I have added captions to explain, and want to apologize that some of the pictures are very blurry. I do not have a scanner, so I manually took pictures of each picture.

My life began on March 1, 1979 when I was born in Chattanooga, Tennessee. We moved to Indiana when I was probably about 2 (I'm not entirely sure) and I lived in the same town (in a couple different houses) until I went to college. I became a big sister in 1983 when my brother Jeremy was born on April Fools Day. In bullet points, my life went something like this.
- My parents loved each other and stayed married while other parents got divorced (they are on 28 years and counting).
- I always got good grades in school.
- I had the typical teenage social dramas with friends and boyfriends and learning how to grow up. Luckily, I missed out on the drugs and alcohol part of that.
- I graduated in the top 10 of my highschool class and was awarded a full scholarship (tuition, room & board, plus books for 4 years) to Indiana State University.
- I started with a Marketing major, added Insurance and Risk Management as a double major during my sophmore year. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 4.0 GPA in my four year college stay.
- During my junior year of college I met the man who was to be my husband. We were engaged over the summer before our senior year and married 1 week after our graduation day.
- We moved to Ohio and started our lives. I had a job I loved and was a perfect fit with my education.
- During my first year in Ohio I managed to meet Samara, who would become my best friend.
- After 1 year in an apartment, we bought a house, that we still love.
- I got pregnant 1 year later, had a miscarriage, and then managed to get pregnant again.
- While working on bridesmaid stuff for one of my other best friends weddings in early 2003, we came up with a sacred tradition called GWO.
- Right around Thanksgiving 2004, my baby brother went to Iraq.
- Grace was born December 12, 2004.

Overall, I've been happy. I have a great relationship with my parents. I am on good terms with my inlaws. I have friends I love. We found a church family. And the list goes on. All of the things on my list were important moments for me, but in the scheme of things, isn't this the same life most people live? Sure, the details are different, but isn't this a fairly typical story? Am I really any different than most people?

Then I got breast cancer. Breast cancer happens to hundreds of thousands of people too, but this is the first thing that's happened in my life that really makes me feel different. It happens to lots of people, but why me?

Right now, I think we've got this thing under control. I don't think I'm going to die, but I do feel like this should be a big deal. I've been reading alot of books lately with insight from breast cancer survivors. A common theme seems to be that their diagnosis was a wake up call to cherish every moment. Take those life changing risks. Really make a difference.

I was feeling this tug even before my diagnosis. It's become much more clear to me since my Emmaus Walk. I feel like I'm being called to ease the pain of those who are hurting. It sounds so gradiose. I've never been what I would consider an empathatic person, but all my life experiences seem to lead me that way. I still feel like I've had a great life, but I've also had all these experiences that would let me say, "I have some idea how you are feeling."

I haven't had multiple failed pregnancies, but I have had one. I know how your heart breaks when the doctor says there isn't a heartbeat and you realize that the child inside you will never grow up.

I didn't have a miserable pregnancy with severe morning sickness, sciatic nerve pain, and sleepless nights, but I did have a healthy one. I know the joy of the first movement, the pains of labor, and the sweet relief of an epidural.

I didn't have a baby with a severe birth defect or illness, but I do know the fear when they tell you something is wrong in the delivery room. I understand what it means to adapt to a new reality when you find out you can't breastfeed, you'll need special bottles, a major surgery for your baby with a night's stay in the hospital, and years of follow up appointments. Soon I'll know how it feels to watch the doctors take your baby into surgery and the wait until you can hold her again.

I didn't have to take medication, but I cried enough the first two months of Grace's life to understand why people do. It's hard being a Mom and we have the right to cry about it.

I didn't lose a breast, but I am a breast cancer survivor. I've had two surgeries, and just about the most aggressive cancer I could have. We just caught it early. Very soon I'll know the side effects of the chemo. What if feels like to lose my hair, the nauseau, vomitting, fatigue, the chemical menopause. Then the 7 weeks of daily radiation treatments. Soon, I'll know.

I haven't had any fertility issues, but I've cried with my friend. I've been touched by so many stories from my "friends" on the Internet and more importantly my real life friend. I've learned the lingo and the tests and the treatments and the most important things not to say. I keep this close to my heart because my cancer has already delayed my plans to conceive my second child. I know the very real risk that the chemo could damage my eggs and I may never get to experience pregnancy and birth again.

So even though I haven't had the worst experiences, I've had enough to be relevant. I'm excited and terrified of what I'm supposed to do about it. It's going to take a long time and some major life changes to make it happen, but I'm going to start the process to become a doctor. (I still want to run and hide when I say that).

Here are some other ideas I've had that I may do too:
- Get involved/create a support group
- Lead a bible study
- Write a book

Honestly, all of these things scare me, but I can't help feeling like there is a reason events come into your life and if I ingnore the reason, then I'm not going to get anything positive from the bad things.

This post didn't flow like I thought it would, but at least it's in writing now. Just more to think about in my head.