Cuts

Grace and Mommy
Originally uploaded by Jenmomma.

This is my first time trying to blog from Flickr, so here's my picture. I got my hair cut this weekend. I didn't take any glamourous photos, but this one will work. This was Grace and I just before church on Sunday. The hair cut was actually done on Saturday. I didn't even have to leave the house. Samara's brother's girlfriend is going to cosmotology school and came over to do it. I think it's cute, and it will be less drastic when it starts falling out.

Things are going well around here. I think I've been more tired than normal, but I'm getting on with things. Saturday, Samara and family were over while I got my hair cut and then they took Grace to the mall in the afternoon and Eric and I both napped. Saturday evening, they ordered us pizza and we all ate a bit before they went home and we sent Grace to bed.

Sunday, I did go to church and then to Applebee's for lunch. I felt a little dizzy at church, so I sat down alot of the time, but it was nice to leave the house. I think the time change is doing me in. Otherwise, I feel ok. I haven't taken naseau drugs since Saturday and besides a mild case of heartburn I think I'm doing ok.

I was supposed to go to the "Look Good, Feel Better" class put on by the American Cancer Society today, but the cosmotologist is sick, so they had to cancel. I'm not too disappointed, I'm about ready for a nap and tonight is Beggar's night, so I'll have to go get Grace in a couple of hours so I can have her in her costume for trick or treating.

I also had Eric take pictures of my scars if anyone wants to see them. There's no nudity involved and they are close-ups, so you may not be able to tell where they are.
Lumpectomy
Port
Sentinel-Node (Underarm)


And finally, for your viewing pleasure, here was the cutest goblin on the block before daycare this morning. I tried to get her standing but she just wanted to try to get the camera, so the only picture we could get was her sitting on Daddy's lap. I'll take more pictures tonight in her princess costume.

First Steps

I'm such a bad mommy that I didn't post this before, but give me a little slack, I've had alot going on.

On Tuesday, I saw Grace take two steps. Now when I described it to Eric, he said she did it over the weekend, but we all know that it doesn't count until Mommy sees it. I was picking her up from daycare and she took my keys and was playing with them. She forgot she was holding on to a toy for balance and stood without holding anything (but my keys) for maybe 10 seconds. Then she turned to me and took two tiny steps before falling into my arms. I had a 5 year old boy that told me I had "a cool baby" as my witness. I was so excited.

Grace is getting much more daring. She is taking bigger risks while cruising. She lets go quicker and tries to cross bigger gaps. It won't be long now before she's completely mobile. One good thing about her being mobile is that she doesn't want to sit and be held, so I don't think she really notices I'm not holding her as much.

And just because I can't get through a post without mentioning something about myself... Last night was not fun. I was naseaous from the time of my last post until I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. My "as needed" pill took the edge off for about an hour. I never ended up vomitting, but I felt horrible. I also had a headache which may have contributed to the nausea. Headache is gone today and so is most of the nausea. I'm slightly queasy, but I've been able to leave the couch, eat a bowl of cereal, and eating some more chicken soup for lunch. If I've had the worst of it, I'll be just fine. Just waiting on a coworker to bring over dinner to stick in the oven and then I may take a nap.

One more thing. I want to congratulate my cousin Stacie, her husband Scott, and Nathanial and Amelia for bringing home their new daughter/sister from China yesterday. Welcome to America, Ellie! Hopefully, I can meet her in person in about 3 weeks at Grandma and Grandpa's 50th Anniversary party.

Chemo #1

First of all, can I say, thank God for wireless internet and a laptop. There's no way I'd be in the basement at the desk right now.

So the journey begins. One down, five to go. I didn't sleep well last night. The waiting is just really hard. We got to the doctor's office around 9. I met with a nurse and she had me take two of my prescriptions. One for nausea and a steroid to help prevent any adverse reactions to the medication. Then she had to start the IV in my port. I was really scared to have her stick the needle in my chest, especially after she confirmed it would hurt. It wasn't too bad though. They just used a cold numbing spray first and then it felt alot like getting a regular IV. Once it was in, she flushed it with saline and it was fine. She also took blood to check my blood counts.

I met with the doctor briefly and asked him to print me copies of my reports from my CT scan and bone scan. Then I moved to the chair to get started. They kept an open line for saline and then gave me an IV steroid and another anti-nausea drug. Next they "pushed" the Epirubicin (E). It was bright red and came in 5 big syringes. The nurse sat with me as she injected it into my IV. It took about 25 minutes. After a saline flush, they set up the Cytoxan (C) on an IV drip that took about 45 minutes. Last they "pushed" the 5-FU (F) and it took about 5 minutes. They did a final flush, unhooked me and sent me home.

I got home and took a two hour nap. My tummy feels weird. Not full blown nausea, but definately unsettled. I also feel very weak and a little achy. I just gave in at 5, to taking my first "as needed" naseau pill. I have some soup on the stove I'm going to try to eat and then plan on spending the rest of the evening on the couch watching the Thursday night line up.

I cried today. This was harder than I expected. I didn't expect to be so afraid of the port. It's also really weird to go from feeling completely fine in the morning to icky in the afternoon. I went in today and willingly let the doctors drip poison into my veins. I'm trying not to get too weepy, because I have a hint of a headache. Headache is one of the side effects on the list I'm supposed to report. I didn't think to ask today if I could take an Imitrex during a treatment cycle for my headache or if they will have something else. I think I'll wait and see if my head hurts tomorrow and give them a call.

Well, my pill has had it's 30 minutes to kick in, so I'm going to try to eat my soup and crackers before Eric gets back with Grace. I'll try update again tomorrow.

My Life - In Review

This is the post that I started on paper at 4:30 a.m. last Wednesday. I decided to take a look at my life and try to figure out what it all means.

The definition of life from dictionary.com includes a. The interval of time between birth and death and b.The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence.

I've always considered my life fairly average...with highlights. I put together this photo album to capture some of the highlights. I have added captions to explain, and want to apologize that some of the pictures are very blurry. I do not have a scanner, so I manually took pictures of each picture.

My life began on March 1, 1979 when I was born in Chattanooga, Tennessee. We moved to Indiana when I was probably about 2 (I'm not entirely sure) and I lived in the same town (in a couple different houses) until I went to college. I became a big sister in 1983 when my brother Jeremy was born on April Fools Day. In bullet points, my life went something like this.
- My parents loved each other and stayed married while other parents got divorced (they are on 28 years and counting).
- I always got good grades in school.
- I had the typical teenage social dramas with friends and boyfriends and learning how to grow up. Luckily, I missed out on the drugs and alcohol part of that.
- I graduated in the top 10 of my highschool class and was awarded a full scholarship (tuition, room & board, plus books for 4 years) to Indiana State University.
- I started with a Marketing major, added Insurance and Risk Management as a double major during my sophmore year. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 4.0 GPA in my four year college stay.
- During my junior year of college I met the man who was to be my husband. We were engaged over the summer before our senior year and married 1 week after our graduation day.
- We moved to Ohio and started our lives. I had a job I loved and was a perfect fit with my education.
- During my first year in Ohio I managed to meet Samara, who would become my best friend.
- After 1 year in an apartment, we bought a house, that we still love.
- I got pregnant 1 year later, had a miscarriage, and then managed to get pregnant again.
- While working on bridesmaid stuff for one of my other best friends weddings in early 2003, we came up with a sacred tradition called GWO.
- Right around Thanksgiving 2004, my baby brother went to Iraq.
- Grace was born December 12, 2004.

Overall, I've been happy. I have a great relationship with my parents. I am on good terms with my inlaws. I have friends I love. We found a church family. And the list goes on. All of the things on my list were important moments for me, but in the scheme of things, isn't this the same life most people live? Sure, the details are different, but isn't this a fairly typical story? Am I really any different than most people?

Then I got breast cancer. Breast cancer happens to hundreds of thousands of people too, but this is the first thing that's happened in my life that really makes me feel different. It happens to lots of people, but why me?

Right now, I think we've got this thing under control. I don't think I'm going to die, but I do feel like this should be a big deal. I've been reading alot of books lately with insight from breast cancer survivors. A common theme seems to be that their diagnosis was a wake up call to cherish every moment. Take those life changing risks. Really make a difference.

I was feeling this tug even before my diagnosis. It's become much more clear to me since my Emmaus Walk. I feel like I'm being called to ease the pain of those who are hurting. It sounds so gradiose. I've never been what I would consider an empathatic person, but all my life experiences seem to lead me that way. I still feel like I've had a great life, but I've also had all these experiences that would let me say, "I have some idea how you are feeling."

I haven't had multiple failed pregnancies, but I have had one. I know how your heart breaks when the doctor says there isn't a heartbeat and you realize that the child inside you will never grow up.

I didn't have a miserable pregnancy with severe morning sickness, sciatic nerve pain, and sleepless nights, but I did have a healthy one. I know the joy of the first movement, the pains of labor, and the sweet relief of an epidural.

I didn't have a baby with a severe birth defect or illness, but I do know the fear when they tell you something is wrong in the delivery room. I understand what it means to adapt to a new reality when you find out you can't breastfeed, you'll need special bottles, a major surgery for your baby with a night's stay in the hospital, and years of follow up appointments. Soon I'll know how it feels to watch the doctors take your baby into surgery and the wait until you can hold her again.

I didn't have to take medication, but I cried enough the first two months of Grace's life to understand why people do. It's hard being a Mom and we have the right to cry about it.

I didn't lose a breast, but I am a breast cancer survivor. I've had two surgeries, and just about the most aggressive cancer I could have. We just caught it early. Very soon I'll know the side effects of the chemo. What if feels like to lose my hair, the nauseau, vomitting, fatigue, the chemical menopause. Then the 7 weeks of daily radiation treatments. Soon, I'll know.

I haven't had any fertility issues, but I've cried with my friend. I've been touched by so many stories from my "friends" on the Internet and more importantly my real life friend. I've learned the lingo and the tests and the treatments and the most important things not to say. I keep this close to my heart because my cancer has already delayed my plans to conceive my second child. I know the very real risk that the chemo could damage my eggs and I may never get to experience pregnancy and birth again.

So even though I haven't had the worst experiences, I've had enough to be relevant. I'm excited and terrified of what I'm supposed to do about it. It's going to take a long time and some major life changes to make it happen, but I'm going to start the process to become a doctor. (I still want to run and hide when I say that).

Here are some other ideas I've had that I may do too:
- Get involved/create a support group
- Lead a bible study
- Write a book

Honestly, all of these things scare me, but I can't help feeling like there is a reason events come into your life and if I ingnore the reason, then I'm not going to get anything positive from the bad things.

This post didn't flow like I thought it would, but at least it's in writing now. Just more to think about in my head.

Walk to Emmaus and Response to Your Assignment

Last night I got home from my Walk to Emmaus. I was going to post a link to the website, but as it includes names and home churches of everyone on the Walk, I'll leave it off of this site.

The only thing I can say about the Walk is that it was incredible. If you have an Emmaus Community in your church or area, look into it, pray about it, and attend! Before I attended it seemed like a secret society. There is so much they don't tell you ahead of time, but after attending you understand. It's not that it needs to be secret, but sometimes there are no words to describe your amazing experience.

A general overview is that on Thursday night, your sponsor brings you to the church where the Walk is being held. You visit for a while are told to give up your cell phones, pagers, and watches and then are taken to a conference room and have an ice breaker to learn everyone's names. We are not to discuss your job in the "real world" Afterwards, we go to the chapel, have a short service, and then communion. We are then instructed to observe a period of silence until the next mornings chapel. As you have no idea of the time, "Apron Ladies" instruct you as to where you are to go and when, and let you know when breaks are. We have no written agenda and must rely on others to tell you when it is time for bed, when to rise, when to eat, and when you'll have a moment for a bathroom break.

Once the silence is broken, you spend the next three days basking in the presence of God. You are assigned to a "table group" and these women become your sisters. My table was put together by God. There was a Table Leader (LK), Assistant Table Leader (LL), and then three other "pilgrims" ED, DJ, and SM. I'll not leave there names unless they give me permission at a later time. We all had very different issues going on in our lives, but had an instant kinship that cannot be explained. I feel like we will be family forever, and we are going to stay in touch and have a weekly "share group" to keep each other on the path and in our prayers. Every day had 5 "Talks" by different lay persons or clergy. The talks are designed to show you God's love and provide you tools to be a better disciple. After the talks were table discussion and then we were given an opportunity to summarize your discussion and the talk in an artistic form. (Posters, skits, poem, song, dance). Our group even modified the Macerana for one of the talks. It was a lot of fun. Mixed in with the talks are various other events including chapel, time for prayer, communion, meals, singing, and other fun stuff. Some of the most powerful moments were these other events, and in case any of you go on the walk, I don't want to ruin that beautiful experience for you.

Specifically for me, I felt more love than I ever have before. From God, my church family, my new sisters, my family and friends, and people I have never even met. One of the talks was on the "Sacrements" and healing was discussed. I was asked by the spiritual director and my group if I would be interested in an Annointing and Healing prayer with the group. I accepted and was prayed over by the whole community and annointed with oil. It was so amazing. I felt a physical warmth through my body and I have peace. I'm a little nervous about the side effects of my treatment starting Thursday, but I'm no longer afraid of reoccurence and dying. I will be taken care of.

I feel like I am closer to God than I have ever been and need to continue with a daily bible study to be sure I am doing his will. I also feel like I'm being called to help people, specifically women in need. I've felt this way for a while, but haven't know what to do about it. Now I know I have to do something and I feel like that something involves medical school. That's right, I think I need to be a doctor. That is so terrifying to say out loud, but if it is God's will he can make it happen. I'm not ready to say much more about that yet. In the immediate future, I need to continue to handle my cancer experience in a way that will show my faith and God's love through me. Maybe there's someone out there that will read this and be encouraged through me. That's a way to help too.

So to tie in your assignment. While I was away basking in God's love, I got a little love from you all. At the time of this writing, I had 21 comments. Here's a summary and my answers to your questions.

1. Name - Everyone provided
2. Websites - I will check these all out this week and find a place to link to you on my site
3. Where do you live? Alabama - 1, California - 2, Georgia - 2, Illinois - 1, Indiana - 4, Iowa - 2, Kansas - 1, Massachusetts - 1, Michigan - 1, New Jersey - 1, Ohio - 1, Texas - 3, New Zealand - 1
3 (didn't realize I had two #3's). How long have you been reading?
- More than 2 years (the beginning) - 7
- 1 to 2 years - 3
- 6 months to 1 year- 4
- 1 to 6 months - 1
- Less than 1 month - 2
4. How often do you check in? Most of you are daily or at least a couple of times per week.
5. Do you know me in real life? Yes - 8, No - 13
6. How did you find me? I gave you the address - 8, Someone else's blog - 5, Searching for pregnancy/baby blogs - 6, Other - 2
7. What do we have in common?(this is a generalization) Friends, memories, etc. - 6, Children - 10, Health Issues - 1, Age - 3, Miscarriage - 1, Faith - 2, Passion for Family - 3
8. Your questions:
- What exactly is your job? I work for an insurance brokerage. We work for client (larger corporations or public entities, or other organizations) to help them meet their risk managment needs. I do not work for an inurance company, I work for my clients to help them get the best insurance program to meet their needs. This includes price, coverage terms, and service. I also do the day-to-day stuff that goes along with that. I put together proposals and review policies and answer client questions about their coverage. I also have the internal reponsibility for Professional Standards, which means I am in charge of training and making sure all of our files are documented and put together in a way that meets our corporate compliance standards. Sorry if that was too boring.

- Outside of your family, what are you most passionate about? That's a hard one. Right now, I'm really on fire about showing God's love, but I think I need to do that through helping people. I want to reach out to women that have faced similar issues as me (miscarriages, pregnancy, childbirth, even birth defects, or cancer) and be a support for them.

- Do you have any phobias? If so, what are they? Not really. I'm not a fan of bugs or spiders or crickets, but nothing strong enough to be called a phobia.

- What has been your greatest accomplishment to this point? I'd have to say college. I graduated in four years with a double major (both business majors) and kept a 4.0 GPA. It felt very cool at the time.

- How are you feeling? Physically, I'm still very sore. I think I overused my right arm this weekend. Just taking notes, and opening doors and sitting at a chair at a table instead of lounging on the couch. Otherwise, my incisions are healing nicely and just itch a bit. I haven't started chemo yet, so no side effects. Emotionally, I'm really doing well. I'm nervous about knowing how the chemo will effect me, but I'm strong and I'll make it through. I'm really not faking it, I'm doing ok.

- How tough/easy is it for you to work outside of the home wiht such a young child? I took her to daycare at 8 weeks which was the perfect time for me. I was desparate for outside interaction and intellectual stimulation and she had barely learned to smile. I kept busy enough at work that it wasn't that hard. Truthfully, it's gotten more difficult for me as she's getting older. Her personality is so evident and she's fun now! She also goes to bed so early, that I miss her in the evenings and can't wait for the weekend. The key is that I love her daycare, and make sure to really focus on spending time with her in the evenings before she goes to bed. I also love the weekends.

- What would be your dream job? I would love to be an OB/GYN. I love the whole pregnancy/childbirth part of a woman's life. I would love to be able to deliver babies. I also have seen the bad parts. I know what it's like to have a miscarriage and I've seen the pain of infertility (through my friends). I'd love to be able to help people.

- What is your dream vacation? I loved Hawaii and can't wait to go back, but if money was no object, I'd love to take a European tour. I'd love to see Rome and Paris and London and maybe even take a detour to see Jerusalem.

- What are you doing to celebrate Grace's first birthday? Any ideas? I'm really not sure yet. I'd love to have family over, but so close to Christmas we may have to combine birthday/Christmas which I did not want to do. I've got this on my to-do list over the next week to come up with a theme and game plan.

- When do you feel closest to God? When I go into Grace's room every night before bed and watch her sleep. I am so blessed and like to think about how he feels the same love when he looks down on us as his children.

- How on earth did you get Grace to sleep through the night? Well it did involve some crying. Read Dr. Ferber's book, "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems." We took away her pacifier (she would wake up when it fell out at night) and gave her a lovey instead. We created a bedtime routine that didn't involve falling to sleep with a bottle or rocking. She has dinner and a bottle at 6:30 p.m., plays until about 7:15 p.m., then she has a bath, brushes her teeth, puts on her pj's, we read 1 or 2 stories, and I put her in her crib. The Ferber method works in less than a week. Day 1 you put the baby down awake and come to them when they cry after 5 minutes. You just pat them and let them know you are there and then leave while they are still awake (no picking the baby up!). You come back the second time after 10, then 15 minutes, then every 15 minutes until they are asleep. Then when they wake up in the night, you do the same thing come after 5, 10, then every 15 until they fall asleep. (I'd start on a Friday night). Day 2 the times change to 10, 15, and 20 minutes. Day 3 15, 20, 25. It took Grace about 45 minutes to an hour to fall asleep the first couple of nights. Less time at night to go back to sleep. The third day she didn't wake up overnight. By the end of the first week, it was only taking 15 to 20 minutes to fall asleep at the beginning. After about 2 weeks, she stopped crying when we put her to bed. Now she lays right down, grabs her lovey, rolls over and sleeps 11 hours on weeknights, and 12 or 13 on weekends. When she wakes up crying, I know it's something important. It's a rough couple of days, but so worth it. Good luck!

- Has there ever been anything that you feel that you have failed at? Sometimes I feel like I fail at work. I hate the feeling of helplessness when you screw up. There have also been choices I've made in my past that I wish I would have chosen differently. However, I think everything you do makes you who you are, so I don't know if I would reverse them now. Overall, I like who I am and think I'm succeeding at the important things. Being a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend.

- How did you come to live in Dayton, if your family and friends live elsewhere? Well, first of all, I live in Columbus, not Dayton, but we moved here, because I was offered my job when we graduated college. We are (and Eric's family is still) from Indiana. My parents moved to Iowa for my Dad's job after we moved here.

- Have you guys considered moving home since you left, for whatever reason? Not really. My parents aren't in Indiana anymore and we wouldn't live in either of our original hometowns. If we moved to Indiana, it would probably be in Indianapolis. To transfer in my current job to our Indianapolis office would be a lateral move and I would have to rebuild my client base. Unless we changed jobs (or I decided to go to medical school at IU...) I can't see us moving back. This is home now and we have friends and a home and a great church that I'd hate to leave without good reason.

In summary, thank you all for your comments and keep reading! I still have my big post that I'll probably do tomorrow or Wednesday and I'll update you about my first chemo treatment whenever I feel up to it.

Assignment - How Do You Know Me?

Ok, here is your assignment.

This is just me being a little selfish, but humor me. I no longer pay for my hit counter, so I don't get details regarding how people find my site. What I do know is that on average I get around 130 hits per day on my site. I don't know how many are repeats from the same person or different people. I don't know how many people check in daily versus weekly, etc. And mostly, I don't know who you are.

So, I'd like to know more about you. My request is that if you read this post leave a comment. I don't care if you read every day or if this is your first visit. I would love for every person who reads this to leave a comment. I know that there are sites that I read that I never comment on, but don't be like me. Just this one time, please humor me and leave a comment.

I know there are several people that I know in real life (Grandma, Mom, Uncle Bill) that read regularly, but don't comment (they just send me e-mails). If you don't know how to leave a comment, here are instructions. At the bottom of the post, click on the link that says "0 comments" (or whatever the number is at the time). Once the page reloads, click on "Post a Comment." A new window will open that gives a box to type your comment in. Then if you don't have a blogger account, click the circle next to "Other." Then type your first name. At the bottom you must type the word that appears in the box titled "Word Verification." This protects my site from comment spam. After you type your comment, name, and word then click the button "Publish Your Comment."

Feel free to answer as many of the below questions that you are comfortable with. If you are in a hurry, just leave me your first name, so I know you stopped by. Monday, I'll put together a summary of what I've learned from you and maybe I'll have some more sites to add to my list to read while I'm home.

Please Answer:
1. Name (first only) or Blog Name
2. Your website (if applicable)
3. Where do you live (state or country if international)?
3. How long have you been reading my blog?
4. How often to you check in?
5. Do you know me in real life? If yes, how? (Friend, family, coworker, etc.)
6. How did you find my site? (Someone's else's blog? Searching online (what were you looking for?), I gave you the address, etc.)
7. What is one thing we have in common?
8. If you could ask me one question or one thing you want to know about me, what would it be?

Ok, make my day. I'd love to come back from my retreat with lots of fun comments to read.

What's Going On

Just felt like I should let you know what's going on since my last post on Friday.

My parents had come in for my surgery and my Dad left on Saturday morning. However, since I was still extremely sore and tired and unable to help out at all with taking care of Grace, my Mom agreed to stay until today (Eric took her to the airport before he left for work today).

Since Friday, I am happy to say I have not been out of my sweats. Don't get me wrong, I've showered daily and changed into cleaner sweats, but I've been trying to let myself recuperate. Saturday I only left the house to take a walk with Mom and Grace (Mom pushed the stoller). I started to get a bit stir crazy though, so Sunday was a bit of a relief. We all went to church although, by the end I was really tired. Once we got home, Grace and I both took naps and Eric went to watch some football at BW3s. Mom took care of Grace and we made a grocery list for this week. Sunday afternoon we went to Wal-Mart to get groceries.

Monday and Tuesday, Grace went to daycare and Mom cleaned my house. I helped as much as I could telling her where things go and even a little dusting. Although I did need to nap both days. My house looks so good now. Everything is dusted, vacuumed, the floors were steamed. My pantry, refrigerator and freezer were cleaned out. Floors mopped. All three (2 1/2) bathrooms are clean. I can actually relax now.

I haven't needed pain medicine since Saturday or Sunday, but I haven't been sleeping well at night, so I took some last night before bed. I think I may have overdone it and as was pretty sore too. It didn't really work though, as I woke up from a bad dream at 4:30 a.m. this morning and decided to just stay up until everyone left. I did get some lists made and came up with some ideas for some changes to my blog. I also have a pretty major post I started jotting ideas for that hopefully I'll be ready to post next week.

My plans for this weekend start tomorrow. Before the diagnosis, I planned to go on The Walk to Emmaus. It's a retreat for church. I'm not sure exactly what the plans are, but I'll spend 3 days away from everyday distractions and get a chance to reconnect spirtually. I had to cancel, because I thought I was going to start chemo this week. However, once I found out that we're doing chemo next week, they let me sign back up for the Walk. It shouldn't be at all physical and they know I can't lift anything, so someone else will carry my bag, etc. I'm hoping I don't get too wore out, but I think it will give me such a renewed spirit before my journey begins next week. So, I will be leaving around 6 p.m. tomorrow (Thursday) and not coming home until 7 or so on Sunday.

Please check in tomorrow, because I have planned an assignment for you readers to work on while I'm gone this weekend.

Next week I'm going to try to get some stuff done. I've made a schedule to study for my CPCU exam. I still need to retake the test I failed in September. I had already paid to take the test again and don't want to wait too long. I've scheduled to take it again November 7th. I have some thank you notes to write. I'd like to spend some time revamping my blog and organizing my photo albums both online and the physical pictures. I'm also considering going to a support group next Wednesday. There is a group called the Young Survivor's Colition that is for women diagnosed before age 40. They meet the last Wednesday of every month in Columbus. I may go check it out. Then of course, Thursday morning I have chemo. I'm sort of nervous, but I also want to just get this first one over with. The sooner I start, the sooner I finish and I hope I'll have a general idea of how I'm going to handle treatment.

Then God-willing, I'll go back to work November 2. I have a post-op appointment on November 1 (Tuesday). If Dr. L clears me and I feel ok, I'd like to go back on Wednesday. It will be the middle of our Professional Standards audit though, so I hope that that will be going ok.

Last thing. I got a new letter in the mail about Grace's surgery. They have rescheduled it to January 11th. The timing is much better. I'll have vacation again in January. It also falls right in between chemo treatments. I should have about a week to take care of Grace before I need help. Then my parents plan on coming in when I have my treatment and they'll stay for about a week to help us out.

Ok, I feel the need for another nap coming on. Remember to come back tomorrow for your assignment! I promise it'll be fun.

Final Pathology and a Plan

Today has been a pretty good day. This morning at 11:15 we had another meeting with Dr. Y, my oncologist. I still really like him. He took alot of time with us again. He gave me a copy of my MRI and MUGA results. Both were normal.

He also had a copy of my pathology report from surgery. Later after we came home, there was a message from Dr. L on the voice mail saying that the final pathology was in, so we must have reviewed the final report. The report shows that all 5 lymph nodes were negative for cancer. They did find some cells of "in-situ" cancer in the re-excision area. They got it all though and the new margins are 3mm. So it was a good idea to take more from that area.

We then went over the survival numbers from a software program the doctor uses. Using all of my data, it calculated that with no further treatment, 19 out of 100 patients would die from breast cancer in the next 10 years. Using hormone therapy only, 6 of those patients would be saved. In my case, he thinks that number is a bit high because I am not really positive for the hormone receptors. The Estrogen Receptor was focally weakly positive, so he thinks it would only be 1 or 2 saved in my case. Using chemotherapy only, 10 of the 19 patients would be saved. Using a combination, 10 or 11 would be saved. This means with chemo and maybe some Tomoxiphen (we'll discuss later) I have just over 90% survival rate for the next 10 years. However, because I am HER-2 positive, there is another treatment called Herceptin that I can take. In studies it has shown to decrease recurrence by 52%. This means that my survival rate should go up to about 95%.

So our treatment regimen will be as follows:
3 cycles (every 3 weeks) of 5-Fluorouracil (5-FU), Epirubicin, and Cytoxan
3 cycles (every 3 weeks) of Taxotere
Starting during Taxotere cycles, Herceptin via IV once per week for 52 weeks
After chemo, 7 weeks of radiation (5 days per week)
After radiation, possible Tamoxiphen (1 pill per day for 5 years)

We still have to discuss the Tamoxiphen. It appears it may only improve my chances by 1 or 2%, but we have to decide if that's worth it to us. I'm really concerned about recurrence, so right now I'm thinking I'll throw whatever may help at this. I'd rather be here and healthy for Grace than leave 2 babies behind, so I don't want to let the fertility issues weigh to heavily.

After we were done with the doctor, the nurse came in and gave us sheets on all the medications. They also gave us some prescriptions to have filled before we begin. I'm supposed to bring everything back with me. Most of the prescriptions are anti-nausea drugs, so they'll tell me when I need to take them.

My first treatment will begin around 9:30 a.m. on Thursday, October 27. They expect it to take 3 to 4 hours. They'll start by giving me an anti-nausea drug. After it kicks in, they will give me the 5FU by IV(about 20 minutes), then the E by IV(20-40 minutes), then the Cytoxan is on an IV drip that takes 1 to 2 hours. I can bring books, or a computer, or even videos to keep my busy.

That's it for now.

More Details on Lymph Node Surgery

Thank you all for your comments and well wishes from my last post. I'll do the best I can on the details, but I didn't get to talk to the doctor personally, so here's what I know from Eric and my parents.

I'll start with Tuesday. I had an appointment at 8:00 a.m. for my MRI of the brain. I got there a few minutes late, but it worked out ok. The test took until about 9:00 a.m. and I again had to be injected with a contrast agent. I realized I'm getting a little tired of all these needles, so maybe the port isn't such a bad idea. Dr. Y had said my MUGA scan wasn't until 11, but the MRI department told me to head up to Nuclear Medicine right afterwards. I headed up there and the nurse told me she had someone in the room I would need that would be there until at least 10 a.m. That worked out nicely for me, because I hadn't picked up my FMLA paperwork yet. I walked across the street to Dr. L's office to get it. Then I stopped at the cafeteria to get a bagel. In the cafeteria, I returned a call to the Short Term Disability firm and tried to call the hosptial pre-registration office. Then I went back to the registration office. They took me back at around 10:30 and put in an IV. Then they took a couple of vials of blood to "tag" with radioactive markers. They sent me back to the waiting room for about a half an hour. Then they took me back to the room, reinjected the blood and then took two pictures of my heart that took about 10 minutes each. Once I finished the tests, I was wiped out. I went home and took about a 30 minute nap before my parents arrived. Once they got there we did some errands. We tried to find another wig store, but ended up going back to the one we looked at previously. We bought my wig. It actually looks really natural and alot like my normal hair. After that we picked up Grace's 9 month pictures, picked up Grace, and got groceries for the rest of the week.

Wednesday morning I had to be at the hospital by 8. We got up at 6, got Grace ready for daycare and also got her clothes and food for dinner in case Eric couldn't pick her up from daycare. Eric left at 6:50 to take her to daycare. I got my shower in and threw together a couple of things in case I needed to spend the night. We quickly breezed through general registration and then headed up to the surgery registration. We ended up waiting in that waiting room for about 30 minutes while they were taking other patients back.

When they came to get me, I had to change into my robe and give a urine sample (to be sure I wasn't pregnant). Then they started my IV and took lots of blood to run a whole variety of tests. Then the Breast Health Nurse that deals with cancer patients came by to see me. She seems really cool. After that Eric and my parents came back to wait with me in the pre-surgery area. I did see another name on the "board" that had Dr. L's name beside it and she was scheduled for surgery at 10. I thought I might be going late, because they didn't take her back to pre-op until 9:45 a.m.

Just before 10 they took me back to Nuclear Medicine. I was in the same room as my MUGA scan. They wiped me down with an alcohol swab and iodine and then the radiologist gave me an injection of some kind of radioactive isotope. He told me it would not feel good, but it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, they can't numb that area well, so they just injected it just above my nipple. The dye burned as it went in, but then was ok and I went back to my chair to wait. Around 10:30 they came to get me for pre-op and I said goodbye to Eric, Mom, and Dad. Last time I had to wait for over an hour in pre-op, so I expected the same. This time, however, it went very fast. The anestesiologist came to see me before they even started the IV fluids. Then Dr. L came while he was still there. She drew a new line on me for my re-excision and then made some marks to guide the port. Then the anestesia doctor came back and gave me the drug to "relax" me. Then they took me to the OR. All I remember from the OR was moving to the table and them putting a gas mask on me.

When I woke up, I spent a long time in the recovery room. I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Luckily they let me nap as much as I wanted to. I was very sore too, so then they would give me more pain medicine and then I had to wait another 30 minutes each time. There were also a couple of times that I felt very nauseous. They waived something under my nose and also gave me some powerful antinausea drugs. I think I remember them asking if I wanted to stay overnight, but I wasn't really coherent. I did ask them at some point if I was going to get to go home and they said yes. I asked them if that meant that they didn't find any cancer, but the nurses couldn't tell me anything. I also got this very cute and furry teddy bear that was from Dr. L.

Once I was finally a little less out of it, they took me back to the pre-op chair area and everyone came to see me. I sat there for a while until we finally got dressed and I came home. I made it home around 6 p.m.

After the surgery, Dr. L came out to speak to Eric and my parents. The main thing that she told them was that my lymph nodes were clear. She removed 5 nodes. She said that I will probably be very sore, because apparently they were tangled up with nerves and blood vessels and she had to move stuff around to get to them. They will send them off to pathology and we'll have the final report in about a week. However, they said she was very excited and positive, so I think we're in the clear. I guess they also asked about the pathologists. They said that they just recruited a new pathologist from Baylor university and that they are now using my case for quality control/research. Apparently my case is very unique, so they want to see how they could have found this sooner or what would have happened if had done things differently, etc.

On Friday last week, I got a call from Dr. L's office about my CT results. Apparently, the CT scan showed a "very tiny" spot on my right lung. I wasn't sure what that meant, so they asked her about it. She said that they tend to see that alot on people from the midwest. It may be some kind of calcification or something. Her suggestion would be to do another scan in 3 to 4 months. Her hope is that it will still be there and be the same size. She doesn't want to see it disappear with chemo. She isn't concerned, especially considering that there wasn't anything in my lymph nodes.

About my port. She said that I'll probably be very sore from that too. They usually put it between your collarbone and top rib. However, mine must be very close together. Dr. L said that they kept hitting a bone when they tried to put it in. Apparently they got it though. Somehow, the fact that Dr. Y wants to start chemo next week came up. Dr. L was concerned about starting before I am fully healed. She may be having a conversation with Dr. Y about it. She's afraid that I'll get infected if we start early. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

That's all I can remember. I'm much sorer than last time, so I can definately see recovery taking longer. They gave me a special bra to keep everything stable, but I feel very stiff. Both sides hurt because the port is on the left and my incisions are on the right. I have a lifting restriction for 10 days to 2 weeks, can't remove the dressing for 48 hours. Have special arm stretching exercises to do twice per day and had bright blue urine for 24 hours. Luckily, my Mom's been doing most of the house work. Grace hasn't been too bad for me yet. With everyone else here, she has been getting plenty of attention. I miss her though.

Ok, that's all for now. I'll update tomorrow after our oncology appointment.

Update to Surgery

All clear. More details once the drugs wear off.

10 Months

This is going to be short, as we've got a busy day tomorrow and I need to get to bed, but I don't want to forget to update about Grace's 10-month progress.

She isn't walking yet, but I still think she will before a year old. She is super mobile and into everything. She's learning the word no and doesn't like it! She is very determined, but also very sweet. She definately knows how to show affection.

Here are the stats:

By the end of the tenth month, your baby
...should be able to:
- stand holding on to someone or something
- pull to standing position from sitting
- object if you try to take a toy away
- say mama or dada indiscriminately (only mama)
- play peekaboo

...will probably be able to:
- get into a sitting position from stomach
- play patty-cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
- pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger
- walk holding on to furniture (cruise)
- understand word "no" (but not always obey it)

...may possibly be able to:
- stand alone momentarily
- say dada or mama discriminately

...may even be able to:
- indicate wants in ways other than crying
- "play ball" (roll ball back to you)
- drink from a cup independently
- pick up a tiny object neatly with tips of thumb and forefinger
- stand alone well
- use immature jargoning (gibberish thta sounds like baby is talking in a made up foreign language
- say one word other than mama or dada
- respond to a one-step command with gesture (give that to me - with hand out)
- walk well

Having Some Fun

I just came back from a much needed fun weekend.

Friday I finished up at work. I have now handed off most of my work and should not have any major issues for missing work. After work, I headed to the airport and flew to Chicago. Danialle and Erica picked me up from the airport and we went back to Danialle's. We had some pizza and chatted until we hit the sack.

Saturday we got up early and had breakfast at Square Kitchen. Then we took the train to State Street for some shopping. We didn't buy much, but looking was fun. I bought a silk scarf for my head, new sweatpants, and a matching tank top. Afterwards we stopped for a burrito at a local Mexican restaurant, then headed home to get ready for Jamie's party (Danialle's sister). While we were working on the dinner, Erica and I each were treated to an hour long full body massage. One of Danialle's friend's is in school to be a massage therapist and offers her services cheaper than a salon. Plus she came to us! It was great. Later, several of Jamie's friends came by (probably 15-20 people total) and we had an Italian smorgasboard. It was fun. It wrapped up fairly early. After a day of shopping, massages, and cooking we were all tired by midnight. A few guests were still around, and Erica and I had slept on an air mattress the night before, so we thought it would be rude to air it up. So, the three of us decided to just crash in Danialle's room. Later when Chadd came to kick us out and get the air mattress, we were already asleep, so we got to stay there.

Sunday morning Danialle made us some eggs and toast for breakfast then we headed to a salon for pedicures. It was very nice. Although Erica's lady scratched her toe and cut one nail too short, so she had some issues. After the pedicure they offered a eyebrow wax. The request was specifically aimed at me (I tend to get a little bushy). I did need it, so I agreed and the other girls also decided to get theirs done. Both Danialle and Erica have more sensitive skin, so they got bright red on the forehead. Erica's was very bad and was still broke out today. After the pedicures, we headed for a wig store that Danialle had found. Unfortunately, it was closed on Sunday. Then we went to see "In Her Shoes." Tears were shed. After the movie, we headed back and had some Tai food. The weirdest thing of the evening was walking back to our car after dinner. Out of nowhere, Erica got hit by an egg. Someone must have been trying to egg parked cars while driving and missed. She said it hurt, so it must have been traveling fast. Anyway, after we got home we put on our PJ's and hung out and looked at photo albums and chatted.

Monday morning we were awakened at 5:00 a.m. by the upstairs neighbor decided to hang pictures on the wall. Danialle tried to hunt them down to make them stop but they wouldn't answer the phone or door. Finally a broom to the ceiling did the trick and we went back to sleep. We got up at about 7:30 and got ready then headed to the airport. I got in just after 1, then by the time I picked up my bag, took the shuttle to my car and drove home, it was 2. I had just enough time to grab a quick bite and then picked Grace up from daycare. She was sick all weekend with Eric and he made her a doctor's appointment at 3. We had to wait until 3:45 to see the doctor and she again has a double ear infection. We got a prescription and headed to Wal-Mart to get it filled. We ended up getting home at 3 p.m.

Then, my best friend from junior high and high school was in town. Her brother just moved to town and she came to visit. I haven't seen her in over 8 years. Crazy thing is she has a daughter that is just 2 weeks younger than Grace. We met for dinner at 6:30 p.m. and caught up a bit. I left the camera at home, so I didn't get any pictures of our kids together.

I really needed this weekend. Now I'm ready for the hard stuff to start. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have my brain MRI at 8 a.m. and the MUGA scan for my heart at 11 a.m. I imagine I'll have a little free time in between, so I made a list of some wig shops in Columbus and we'll call around to see which ones might be a good choice to look at. After my tests are over, I'll head home. Mom and Dad are flying in and should get to my house around 2 p.m. We may go look at wigs or go pick up Grace. Tuesday evening we might need to get groceries for the rest of the week and make a plan for Wednesday.

Surgery begins at 11 a.m. on Wednesday.

I'd like to do Grace's 10 month update tomorrow. I'll try to update on Wednesday regarding my surgery even if it's just to confirm the lymph nodes are clear. However, I won't be able to update if I have to stay overnight.

Oncologist Appointment

This afternoon I met with my Oncologist (Dr. Y). I think we are going to like him. He spent probably an hour and a half with us and didn't rush us at all. He started by giving me a copy of my pathology report and going through all of the different aspects of the cancer. He told me that he will give me copies of all of my test results.

My pathology report (as we have discussed previously) stated that I have an Invasive Ductal Carcinoma of the Right Breast. It was focally weakly positive (barely positive enough to be called positive for estrogen receptors. It was negative for progestrone receptors. It was strongly positive for HER2 overexpression. The tumor was a grade 3/3, 1.6 cm with the smallest margin being 0.1 cm.

While we will have to wait until we find out my lymph node status to determine the final course of treatment will be, we do have an idea. Most likely, he will do six cycles of AC & T (Adriamycin/Cytoxan and Taxotene) every 2 to 3 weeks. The other option would be to do 4 cycles of AC followed by 4 cycles of T. I will also be put on a drug called Herceptin because of the HER2 status. The Herceptin will start once I finish the A part of the chemo. It's an IV drug that I will need once a week for a year.

Next we discussed side effects. He felt bad telling me about them, but we need to know.
- Hair loss. Will begin after first treatment, but will probably need a wig after 2nd treatment.
- Possible mouth sores. Not everyone gets these, but if I do he has a prescription that could help.
- Nausea and vomitting. I will get a drug during chemo to help with this. He said 70-90% of patients have 1 or less vomitting episodes per week.
- Heart trouble. The "A" has a 2% risk of weakening my heart. The Herceptin increases this risk to 5%. If we took them together the risk would increase to 16%, so we'll do it separately.
- Diarreah. I can take Immodium if needed.
- Numbness of hands and feet. Should be mild, but I'll have to let them know if it gets worse.
- Blood Counts. It will decrease both white and red blood counts. They will monitor it with weekly blood tests. If my white or red counts get too low, they have some injections to boost things back up.

After all of those side effects I asked about my fertility. He seemed really unconfortable talking about it. He said that my ovaries will definately be affected, but he can't really give me any statistics. It could be very minor and we'll have no problems or they could be permanently damaged. He said our only guarantee would be to save some eggs for afterwards. I don't think we're going to go that route. I'm not sure if our insurance would cover it and it would probably delay treatment by a couple months. He was also concerned about the fact that they would have to inject me with high doses of hormones that could cause regrowth of the cancer. I think we'll just wait and see what happens when we're done. At least we have Grace, so if that's it, we'll just have to deal with it.

Dr. Y went over the tests I have scheduled. He thinks it's a good idea to get a baseline of everything. He said the only thing they don't check is your brain. But he said that if I start showing symptoms, (headache, blurry vision, etc.) they'd check me out. I then mentioned that I get migraines. He said in that case, we'd go ahead and do an MRI of my brain just to be sure. He also wants to do a MUGA Scan to be sure my heart is in good enough shape to go through the chemo. Those are both scheduled for Tuesday, October 11th.

We also discussed time off of work. He said I'll probably be tired for the first week of each cycle. I just need to tell him what I want to do. He'll have all of the paperwork filled out for me. He said we'll probably do the chemo on Thursdays or Fridays.

In summary, he wants to see me again on Friday, October 14th at the office we'll do the chemo at. He wants me to see the office and meet the staff to be sure I'm comfortable. At that visit he'll give me handouts on all the drugs and finalize the treatment plan and my statistics for treatment. He's hoping he'll have the pathology results on my lymph nodes by then.

The plan is to start the chemo on Thursday or Friday October 20 or 21. Wow, that's soon. I think that one night this week, I need to start looking for wigs. I will be out of town this weekend and then have surgery next week, so I'm getting short on time. I'm not sure what the time frame is for getting one, so I want to start looking.

What Ifs

Two years ago today, I had my D&C after my miscarriage. I knew this date was coming up and had been thinking about what I would write about. With everything else going on it’s changed my perspective.

Life happens and sometimes bad things happen to you and you don’t know why. However, those bad things contribute to your life and what kind of person you are afterwards. Considering everything that’s happened in the last two years, I have a hard time saying that I wish it hadn’t happened. Of course, I wish I hadn’t had the pain and sadness, but let’s take a look at one what-if scenario.

If I hadn’t lost my first baby he/she would be 18 months old. I wouldn’t have Grace (there would be a different baby instead). I wanted to have children about 2 years apart, so it would be very possible that I would currently be pregnant again. Assuming all else is the same, what if I still developed cancer? With pregnant breasts, I may not have found a lump. It could still be growing. Even if I did find the lump, all drug treatments would have to be postponed until after the baby was born.

Despite that, I think my losses have made me a better person. I am more compassionate, more caring, and I think, a better friend.

What will the next two years bring? All I can say is that I hope they make me an even better person. I’d like to think that all of this will allow me to help others. I certainly can empathize with a lot of people. Before reaching age 30 I have gotten pregnant, had a miscarriage, had a wonderful uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery, had a child with a birth defect, and had breast cancer. I also stand beside a very close friend dealing with infertility and realize that after chemotherapy I may be dealing with it personally. All of that has to count for something. My hope is that I will be a person I’ll be proud of in the years ahead and maybe can be a comfort or inspiration to someone else that is going through something similar.

I can’t answer the question “why?” I can only take what I am giving and do the best I can to know that God has a plan. We may never really understand what that plan is, but through our trials and sorrows we may be able to find out just what we are really made for.

Friday's Appointment

Sorry for the delay, but Mom was in for the weekend and I'm just now getting around to posting.

Friday, we had another appointment with Dr. L. We didn't learn much new information, but did get a chance to ask some more questions and get the rest of the tests on the calendar.

First of all both the MRI and mammogram were clear, so they haven't found any other tumors in my breasts. I asked a couple of questions:
1. What is my chance of recurrence? I didn't get a straight answer, but she did say that I have a higher risk because of my age. Because I have more years left to live, there is more time for the cancer to come back. I think most people have a misconception that being young is a good thing in regards to breast cancer. Age is good as far as the risk of developing cancer, but once you've got it, it seems to be an uphill bottle.
2. What Stage is my cancer? We won't know until we get the lymph node results. If no lymph node involvement, it'll be Stage I. If lymph nodes are involved it will be Stage II.
3. What will my Recovery after lymph node surgery be like? It will be more involved than the lumpectomy. I'll be off work for 2 to 4 weeks and will not be able to lift anything. Yikes! I better get my work stuff in order this week.
4. I read something about HER-2. It's a protein that can make the tumor grow faster, however, there is a drug that seems to work on HER-2 positive cancers. Mine was HER-2 positive, so I'll need to ask the chemo doctor about it.
5. Will genetic counseling show that my Mom could be at risk? Not necessarily. The gene (if found) could be passed by either mother or father. I still think I need to do the testing.

Dr. L did say that at the conference (panel of doctors reviewing my case) one of the radiologist suggested that I may be a candidate for a double masectomy. I think the age thing is still the concern. With my age and no logical reason, there is probably a decent chance of recurrence. If they remove my breasts, I wouldn't get breast cancer. She said it's not something we have to decide right now, but we should think about it for the future. The genetic testing could also sway the decision. She said if I tested positive for the gene, I would also be at increased risk for ovarian cancer. She said that I may even want to consider having my ovaries removed once we finish having children. Later, I asked Eric if he thought she mentioned the masectomy just because it was mentioned at the conference and she needed to bring it up or if he thought it was something she really wanted me to consider because they may recommend it in the future. He seems to think they may recommend it.

We also set up more appointments:
Monday 9/3 2:30 p.m. Appt. with Dr. Y (chemo doctor)
Tuesday 9/4 11:00 a.m. (should take about 4 hours)CT of lungs, abdomen, and pelvis & Entire body Bone Scan
Wednesday 9/12 11:00 a.m. Sentinal Lymph Node Mapping Surgery

I've been trying to do a little research about my prognosis. Here are the characteristics of the cancer and what I know about how they affect prognosis.
- Breast cancer can be either In Situ or Invasive. Mine is invasive.
- Tumor Size. Mine was 1.6cm which is relatively small.
Large tumors pose a higher risk than small tumors
- Tumor Location. Mine was in the middle of the breast, but probably close to the skin.
Tumors that develop toward the outside of the breast tend to be less serious than those that occur more toward the middle of the breast. (I'm not sure if this means deeper tissue (middle) is more serious than close to the skin (outside) or if it has to do with location as in quadrant.
- Nuclear Grade. Mine is Grade 3.
Grade 1 is a well-differentiated (appears close to normal) and is slower-growing. Grade 3 is poorly-differentiated (abnormal looking) and is fast growing.
- Hormone Receptors can be positive or negative. Mine is negative.
Hormone-receptor positive cells grow more slowly than receptor negative cells. Women have a better prognosis if their tumors are receptor-positive because these cells grow more slowly than receptor-negative cells and they have more treatment options. (Hormone receptor-negative tumors can only be treated with chemotherapy.)
- HER-2 status positive or negative. Mine is positive.
HER-2. The HER-2 protein is part of the epidermal growth factor receptor family and is becoming an important marker in breast cancer. It is involved in the growth and spread of breast cancer cells, and about 25% to 30% of breast cancer patients have high levels of this protein. The presence of HER-2 may suggest aggressive cancer.

Other Statistics
Stage I - 98% 5-year survival rate, 92% after 7 years
Stage II - 88% 5-year survival rate, 71% after 7 years

- Less than 5% of breast cancer cases occur in women under age 40
- Only 1.5% of breast cancer cases occur in women under age 30

Cancer still recurs in 9-30% of node-negative cancers

The seriousness of this is starting to sink in. I think I have excellent care and we're doing all that we can, but this isn't going to be an easy road.