Breakdown

First of all, this may be a somewhat upsetting post, but I feel like I’ve just got to get everything out. To my family and friends, I am alright, so don't get too concerned, but sometimes you just have to get it out.

I feel a little out of control right now. It seems hard to pinpoint the exact cause, but I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders trying to crush me. Stress is the only word I can think of to describe it, but it’s more than I usually feel.

Top of my mind right now is the biopsy thing. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it and I’m so young, it’s so unlikely that it’s serious, etc. It’s so surreal and all it keeps reminding me of is September 2003. I had that ultrasound with Dr. D and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The doctor kept reassuring me that it was early, I might have my dates wrong, everything else looked normal, but it didn’t add up in my head. I tried so hard to be positive, but in the end, they were wrong. It wasn’t normal, my baby had died. That’s what this feels like. Both nurses have told me I’m young, it’s so unlikely, it’s probably a cyst, etc. But I keep seeing the cloud shaped spot on the ultrasound. The one “spike” the nurse didn’t like. The fact that if that was an ultrasound of a 65 year old, they would be very concerned. I’m so scared that these lab results will come back and everyone will be wrong and it will be something to worry about. I know they are trying not to make me worry, but I feel like they are just trying to put a positive spin on it. I want to know what the nurse really thought when she looked at that ultrasound. I’m also scared that I’m going to this appointment alone. There’s no reason really for Eric to be there, I should be able to drive, etc. Plus the appointment is at 5 p.m. and someone has to take care of Grace, but I wish he could be there with me.

Work is also really stressful. I feel buried like I’m just doing a little bit of everything and nothing is getting my full attention. I’m about to go into my busy time of year and it scares me that I didn’t get caught up this summer as planned. I also enjoy my job less than I used to. I used to love my job, but now I hate that it follows me home. At night when I try to zone out and relax, all these “to-do’s” for tomorrow keep jumping back in my head. It makes me tense and I have anxiety about what I am not getting done.

I have another CPCU exam on Friday. I’ve reviewed the definitions for this exam, but nothing else. We unexpectedly had company this weekend (my FIL called on Friday to tell us they wanted to come and visit), so I didn’t get to use my last weekend to study. That means I have to crack down and study every night this week when I get home, so everything else to do will get pushed to the back.

I am trying to diet and exercise, but when I am stressed, being healthy is the last thing I worry about. I barely have time to consider making a healthy dinner and all I want is comfort food. We are also constantly eating out and we spend way too much money. Grace’s daycare is expensive and now it’s starting to add up. We spend like we did before she was born and have been slowly dipping into our savings. We seriously need to crack down or I don’t know that we should even consider trying for another baby in the spring. We can barely afford this one. (I know we can afford it, but we have to make some sacrifices in other areas of our lives.)

So after all that, I still have my home life. Eric and I don’t spend enough quality couple time together. We need to hire a babysitter and go out, but it seems like every weekend sneaks up on us and then we don’t do anything productive. My house needs some serious cleaning, but that means I have to give up time with Grace to clean. I feel so guilty when I just set her in the room with me and have her follow me around while I do stuff. I think she is wonderful, but I worry that I am not doing the right things developmentally for her. Do I talk to her enough? Do I try to teach her things on her level? Do we just play enough? Do we have to TV on around her too much? Am I being the kind of mother she deserves?

To top it all off, I think I’m having some kind of spiritual epiphany. I have felt God calling me to be closer to him. I feel like I am supposed to reach out to mothers or people that want to be mothers. I am considering leading a bible study, but I haven’t had the time to research a topic or speak to our minister about how to get one started. When I do my daily devotionals, I feel at peace, but the human side of me pushes that out of the way when I get too busy. I have felt like God is calling me to do something really special and important if I would just take the time to listen. I am so afraid that if I don’t get my act together soon, I just might miss it. I’m not sure what it really is, but I feel like it’s something relating to pregnancy/motherhood. My passion is for women in this stage of life. I feel very strongly that I want to be a surrogate someday for someone that can’t have their own children. My heart breaks every month for one of my best friends, Erica, as she has spent two years trying to become pregnant. I feel it’s important to share with people that have lost children. I love talking to new mothers about the trials of those first few months. My heart belongs to that whole phase of a woman’s life and I feel there is something in this area that God wants me to do, if only I take the time to listen.

So anyway, that’s a little bit about what’s going on in my head right now. I wish I could take a vacation from it all and just be renewed. A break that would revitalize me and make me feel not so far behind in my life. Unfortunately, most of the stuff will still be waiting no matter how long of I break I take. Writing this down makes me feel better. Well, lunch break is over. I need to get back to work. Thanks for listening.