A Mother's Love

This post may seem a bit bizarre, but bear with me.

For some reason today I started thinking about SIDS, and how horrible it would be to lose a little baby. So then I thought back to my first baby and how I felt when I lost it. I thought people were crazy when made comments about how I was "lucky" that I'd lost the baby so early. How could they say it was easier to lose a baby early? Didn't they understand that I'd loved that baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant? Just because I never got to feel it inside me, hold it, or name it didn't make it less real.

Then as my pregnancy with Grace progressed and I started to feel her move and watch my belly keep growing, I started to understand a little more. Yes, it would have been much harder on me to lose the baby farther along in pregnancy. I loved her more every day. We had already started bonding. I felt her with me all the time, I named her, I talked to her. I know people who lost babies late in pregnancy and my heart went out to them. Yes, my miscarriage was hard, but I couldn't imagine the pain of a later pregnancy loss.

Then Grace was born. Even now as she's still an infant, I can't imagine my life without her. It seems like my love for her just keeps growing exponentially. I love every sound she makes, even her cries. I love how my touch can settle her and how sometimes the only thing she wants is to be in her Mommy's arms. Can I possibly love this child even more than I do now?

Then I look ahead. What happens when she becomes a toddler or a school age child? I have to believe my love for her will keep growing. Imagine when she runs to me for hugs or she learns to say "I love you" back. I definately can see my love being even stronger then.

What about when she becomes a teenager? Everyone knows how difficult they can be. Will I love her more then? I kind of think so. I'll start to see the woman she's going to become and my heart will swill with love and pride.

At some point this love thing has to level off right? If not, how could parents ever let their children go? So it must be when she leaves home, right? That's when I'll love her as much as possible. But wait, I remember the letters my parents wrote to me the night they dropped me off at my dorm room, my freshman year of college. Even my Dad wrote me a letter about how much he missed me already. Could it be at that moment they were still loving me even more than the day before? Part of loving your children is allowing them to take the next step and grow up?

What about when she gets married? Has her own babies? Is it really possible that my heart has room to grow that much? A mother's love must be an exponential kind of love. It never stops or levels off. So as much and completely as I loved her from the moment I knew she existed inside me, it was only the beginning. Every day that love continues to grow and expand. I'm always going to be tied to her, and though she won't remember those first nine months when we were inseparable, I will. She will always be a part of me. And one day as she stares into the eyes of her first baby, she'll finally understand, just how much I love her.