Monday, August 29, 2005

Breakdown

First of all, this may be a somewhat upsetting post, but I feel like I’ve just got to get everything out. To my family and friends, I am alright, so don't get too concerned, but sometimes you just have to get it out.

I feel a little out of control right now. It seems hard to pinpoint the exact cause, but I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders trying to crush me. Stress is the only word I can think of to describe it, but it’s more than I usually feel.

Top of my mind right now is the biopsy thing. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it and I’m so young, it’s so unlikely that it’s serious, etc. It’s so surreal and all it keeps reminding me of is September 2003. I had that ultrasound with Dr. D and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The doctor kept reassuring me that it was early, I might have my dates wrong, everything else looked normal, but it didn’t add up in my head. I tried so hard to be positive, but in the end, they were wrong. It wasn’t normal, my baby had died. That’s what this feels like. Both nurses have told me I’m young, it’s so unlikely, it’s probably a cyst, etc. But I keep seeing the cloud shaped spot on the ultrasound. The one “spike” the nurse didn’t like. The fact that if that was an ultrasound of a 65 year old, they would be very concerned. I’m so scared that these lab results will come back and everyone will be wrong and it will be something to worry about. I know they are trying not to make me worry, but I feel like they are just trying to put a positive spin on it. I want to know what the nurse really thought when she looked at that ultrasound. I’m also scared that I’m going to this appointment alone. There’s no reason really for Eric to be there, I should be able to drive, etc. Plus the appointment is at 5 p.m. and someone has to take care of Grace, but I wish he could be there with me.

Work is also really stressful. I feel buried like I’m just doing a little bit of everything and nothing is getting my full attention. I’m about to go into my busy time of year and it scares me that I didn’t get caught up this summer as planned. I also enjoy my job less than I used to. I used to love my job, but now I hate that it follows me home. At night when I try to zone out and relax, all these “to-do’s” for tomorrow keep jumping back in my head. It makes me tense and I have anxiety about what I am not getting done.

I have another CPCU exam on Friday. I’ve reviewed the definitions for this exam, but nothing else. We unexpectedly had company this weekend (my FIL called on Friday to tell us they wanted to come and visit), so I didn’t get to use my last weekend to study. That means I have to crack down and study every night this week when I get home, so everything else to do will get pushed to the back.

I am trying to diet and exercise, but when I am stressed, being healthy is the last thing I worry about. I barely have time to consider making a healthy dinner and all I want is comfort food. We are also constantly eating out and we spend way too much money. Grace’s daycare is expensive and now it’s starting to add up. We spend like we did before she was born and have been slowly dipping into our savings. We seriously need to crack down or I don’t know that we should even consider trying for another baby in the spring. We can barely afford this one. (I know we can afford it, but we have to make some sacrifices in other areas of our lives.)

So after all that, I still have my home life. Eric and I don’t spend enough quality couple time together. We need to hire a babysitter and go out, but it seems like every weekend sneaks up on us and then we don’t do anything productive. My house needs some serious cleaning, but that means I have to give up time with Grace to clean. I feel so guilty when I just set her in the room with me and have her follow me around while I do stuff. I think she is wonderful, but I worry that I am not doing the right things developmentally for her. Do I talk to her enough? Do I try to teach her things on her level? Do we just play enough? Do we have to TV on around her too much? Am I being the kind of mother she deserves?

To top it all off, I think I’m having some kind of spiritual epiphany. I have felt God calling me to be closer to him. I feel like I am supposed to reach out to mothers or people that want to be mothers. I am considering leading a bible study, but I haven’t had the time to research a topic or speak to our minister about how to get one started. When I do my daily devotionals, I feel at peace, but the human side of me pushes that out of the way when I get too busy. I have felt like God is calling me to do something really special and important if I would just take the time to listen. I am so afraid that if I don’t get my act together soon, I just might miss it. I’m not sure what it really is, but I feel like it’s something relating to pregnancy/motherhood. My passion is for women in this stage of life. I feel very strongly that I want to be a surrogate someday for someone that can’t have their own children. My heart breaks every month for one of my best friends, Erica, as she has spent two years trying to become pregnant. I feel it’s important to share with people that have lost children. I love talking to new mothers about the trials of those first few months. My heart belongs to that whole phase of a woman’s life and I feel there is something in this area that God wants me to do, if only I take the time to listen.

So anyway, that’s a little bit about what’s going on in my head right now. I wish I could take a vacation from it all and just be renewed. A break that would revitalize me and make me feel not so far behind in my life. Unfortunately, most of the stuff will still be waiting no matter how long of I break I take. Writing this down makes me feel better. Well, lunch break is over. I need to get back to work. Thanks for listening.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Answers...Sort Of

This afternoon I had the ultrasound on my breast. I was pleasently surprised that they took my back quickly and I had virtually no waiting. First the ultrasound tech did the ultrasound. I could see the dark spot that appeared to be the lump, but I don't really know much about what's what. She said that it looked to her like a "Fibroadenoma," but she'd let the nurse or radiologist explain what that meant. Then she let me take a little catnap while we waited on the radiologist. After maybe 10 minutes he came in and basically said that they wanted to send me to have a biopsy done.

After that, they let me dress and then I went to the nurse's office. She was great. I spent about 45 minutes in her office going over everything. In her opinion it is most likely either a Fibroadenoma or a Complex Cyst. A Fibroadenoma is a solid mass and is common in younger women. A simple cyst is filled with clear fluid and shows up completely black on the ultrasound. A complex cyst shows up more cloudy and grey and is filled with "gunk" made up of blood, protein, or even old milk. Both cysts and fibroadenoma's are usually oval shaped and have clean edges. Cancerous tumors are much more irregular and may have lumpy or jagged edges or even spikes. My lump looks like a cloud.

The nurse said if I were a 65 year old woman, she would be very concerned based on the shape of the lump. However, she kept reiterating that at my age, it is very unlikely that it is something serious.

A biopsy needs to be done to determine what the lump is made of. The first step is to see a breast surgeon. The surgeon will do an exam, look at my films and possibly do the biopsy in her office. If she does it at that time, she will do a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA). This involves a very thin needle. If it is a cyst, it should deflate. If not, she can draw up fluid or cells to send to pathology. If she decides not to do the procedure in the office, she will refer me back to radiology to have an Ultrasound Guided Biopsy. This procedure is slightly more invasive and requires local anesthetic. Again the collected fluid or tissue will be sent to pathology. Because she didn't know which way the surgeon would want to address the issue, she scheduled me for both appointments. I will meet with the surgeon on Tuesday at 5 p.m. and if needed will have the biopsy on Wednesday at 2 p.m.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I am more concerned than I was before this appointment. The nurse from the doctors office said that even if the radiological results were fine, that they would probably refer me on due to the size. I guess in my head, I assumed that they would say it was a cyst and then my doctor's office would have the surgeon look at it and decide what to do. We didn't get that far, the radiologist wants the surgeon to look at it because of the radiological results (rather than in spite of them.) I am also slightly concerned about the irregular shape of my lump. Although, they did say that I could have a cluster of two or three Fibroadnoma's that would show up as a funky shape from the ultrasound.

Hopefully, I'll know more next week. I hope that by going Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll get the results before next weekend. Again, they keep telling me because of my age and no history of breast cancer, they are pretty sure it isn't a serious issue, but I'll be glad when there is a firm diagnosis. Continue to keep me in your prayers.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sweet and Sour

Sweet
1. I got a letter from my brother this week. It was very touching and said some really nice things about our family and our abilities as parents. I think he's ready to come home and we can hopefully get to see more of each other. I'd post some quotes here, but since most of my family (including brother) read this, I won't embarrass him. I'll just say, Thanks for the letter and we miss you too. Only a couple more months.

2. My husband has been very helpful around the house. Monday Grace was being a handful so he made a salad (cut up all the pieces himself), finished the chicken I started, and cleaned up the kitchen while I was giving her a bath.

3. Grace has been sick (see Sour below) and Eric has taken 2 half days off work, scheduled and taken her to the doctor, and filled her perscription, with no prodding from me.

Sour
1. Viral infection including a flu rash. Causing day-care to call Tuesday to tell us about her fever and Eric and I staying home today (half day each) to keep her from infecting the rest of the day-care center.

2. Double Ear Infection also found at the doctor's appointment. Antibotics prescribed to take care of that one.

Ahh, motherhood.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Forward Progress

Ok, I'm calling it. Today we officially had forward motion. Grace can crawl.

She isn't quite up to chasing the dog around yet, but I saw her put one hand in front of the other and make two "steps" forward before falling back down to her belly.

This week she has also learned how to get from her belly or hands and knees, back to a sitting position. This is helping her move around. She will move towards something then back into a sitting position and lunge forward in a different direction.

I have a feeling she could be scooting all over the place by the end of the weekend. She is also trying to pull herself to standing. She has been grabbing the edge of the coffee table and trying to pull up. Yesterday she made it to her knees. Tonight she was playing on the floor and Eric and I weren't paying attention to what she was doing. All of the sudden we heard the music from her Jumperoo and we looked over and she had crawled over to it and grabbed ahold of it and was trying to get the toys attached to it. Then tonight while I was running her bath water, I left her on the floor in her room. I can see into her room from the bathroom, so I looked back and couldn't see her. I went to see where she had gone, and she had crawled over to her dresser and had pulled herself to her knees.

We have lowered her crib mattress, so I think we're ok there, but I really need to do the babyproofing. We have already covered the outlets, but we need to do the cabinets and just look around for any other issues. Tonight she scooted over to the wall by the door in the entry way and was playing with the door stop. She pulled the plastic cap off of the spring. I was watching her and took it away before she put it in her mouth, but I have a feeling we are going to have our hands full. Makes me glad I'm taking an Infant/Child CPR class tomorrow.

Oh yeah, I added some pictures to my Flickr account. A couple random ones plus pictures from her first baby-pool experience last weekend. I have a couple more to add, but I had some camera/computer issues tonight and didn't feel like messing with it anymore tonight.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Exam

Just thought I should provide an update about a female issue I've been having.

I'm not really sure when I first noticed it, but probably at least a month ago. Anyway, I noticed a lump on my right breast. After a little while, I decided to mention it to Eric and he suggested that I call the doctor immediately. I have decided to switch OBs, so I called the new doctor. I haven't been there yet, but I have my annual exam scheduled for September 12. I called them and they told me the best time to do an exam is after my period and asked where I was in my cycle. I was about 4 days post ovulation, so they told me to wait until after my period and call back if it was still there. I then called my old doctor (who I haven't informed I'm switching yet) and they told me the same thing.

So, I waited. My period ended on Monday and when I was back in town on Wednesday, I called the doctor back and informed them it was still there. They scheduled me for a breast exam this afternoon.

I saw a Nurse Practioner and think I will like this new doctor's office. Since I was due for a PAP, they went ahead and did it today, so I can cancel my other appointment. When she did the exam, she agreed, that I do indeed have a lump. She was very low key and didn't want to get me worked up, but my impression was that it was fairly sizable. She wrote me an order to have an ultrasound on my breast to determine what the lump is made of. She said that I will get the radiological results the same day, but then they will call me to discuss. However, she thinks I will need to see a breast surgeon. She said even if the results of the ultrasound come back fine, if the lump is over a certain size, they like to have it looked at. Since we could both feel mine, she's pretty sure they will refer me on after they get the results of the ultrasound.

She did a good job at downplaying the possibility of cancer. Most lumps are not cancerous and considering my age and no family history of breast cancer, it is very unlikely that this is going to be something serious, but they do want to make sure they check it out. The surgeon will either decide to just keep an eye on it, drain it (if it is a cyst), or do a biopsy.

I called for my ultrasound appointment and am scheduled for Thursday afternoon next week. I'm hoping the results will be good, but it seems like there's a good possibility that I will need to at least see a surgeon to see what they want to do.

I'm not really worked up about this. I think Eric is more worried than I am, but I wouldn't mind if you readers kept me in your prayers. I'll keep you updated.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

8 Months

Grace turned 8 months old on Friday. She's such a big girl now. I absolutely love this age. She's so social and happy. She is easy to get a smile or giggle out of and everyone who comes in contact with her mentions either her cuteness or how good she is. I would think I'm biased, but I seriously get comments from perfect strangers all the time, so she must actually be really cute.

Anyway, despite what I've been saying for weeks, Grace is still not crawling. I would say she definately will be by 9 months...but, I don't want to jinx us. She gets on her hands and knees often and rocks back in forth, but she hasn't made real forward progress. I would consider her mobile. She can get into about anything and is all over the room. She is becoming increasingly vocal. She loves to say "ma-ma", but says it all the time, so I don't think she's calling for me. She likes the sound of her own voice and uses it often and loudly. One of her new favorite times to chat is 5:00 a.m. She usually goes back to sleep until a reasonable time afterwords. She likes to stand up all the time and likes to bang on everything. Anything to make noise.

Our biggest milestone this month is a new tooth! This is very recent. I was out of town on Thursday and Friday, but Eric pointed it out to me on Saturday. You couldn't see it, but when you feel her gum it's very sharp. Today, you can see the tip of it poking out. It's broken the skin, but not all the way above the gum yet. She keeps sticking her tounge out to feel it.

Here's the milestones we've reached for 8 Months based on "What To Expect The First Year." The bold items we have reached.

By the end of the Eighth Month your baby:

...should be able to:
- bear some weight on legs when held upright
- Feed self a cracker
- Pass a cube or object from one hand to the other
- rake a raisin and pick it up in a fist
- Turn in the direction of a voice
- Look for a dropped object

...will probably be able to:
- stand holding on to someone or something
- Object if you try to take a toy away
- Work to get a toy out of reach
- play peekaboo (So cute! She even initiates the game now.)
- get into a sitting position from stomach

...may possibly be able to:
- pull up to standing position from sitting
- Pick up tiny object with any part of thumb and finger
- say mama or dada indescriminately

...may even be able to:
- Play Patty-Cake (clap hands) or wave bye-bye
- walk holding on to furniture
- stand alone momentarily
- understand the word no (but not always obey it)

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Very Very Busy

I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long, but things have been crazy. Grace is currently playing on the floor next to the computer and I don't know how long that will last, so I've got to be quick.

Last weekend I was running non-stop. Well, Friday night Eric and I rented a couple of movies and sat around eating pizza, but still. Saturday I spent all afternoon shopping/visiting with Samara. Grace and I got home in time for dinner and her bedtime ritual and then after bed, I went to the grocery store. Sunday we went to the 10:00 church service, grabbed some lunch, and headed to our softball tournament. We ended up winning 2nd place overall, but that meant games at 1 p.m., 3:30 p.m. and 5 p.m. Immediately after the last game, I headed straight back to church for Vacation Bible School from 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. I worked in crafts.

Bible school ran Sunday through Thursday from 6:30 - 8:30. So my evenings have been busy. Monday night I got a call from an old friend from high school that happened to be in Dayton with her hubby and kids. She asked if we could get together for dinner on Tuesday. I cancelled at VBS, since I've only seen her once since my wedding 4 years ago and they drove over and we had dinner at Champps on Tuesday night. Despite being an hour and a half overdue for bedtime Grace was well-behaved and we had a good time. Wednesday, I was really busy trying to finish up things at work because I have 2 trips planned and won't be in the office until Wednesday next week. I stayed at the office until 6:10 and then went straight to VBS. I got home and packed for my trip. Thursday I flew to Chicago for some training for a new job responsibility I've been given. Thursday night I had dinner and got to hang out with Danialle. Friday the training lasted until 4:30 p.m. then I headed back to the airport for my 7p.m (central) flight. I got home from the airport around 10 p.m.

Today I'm just hanging out at home and trying to get some domestic duties done. I am working on sending out Grace's 6 month pictures (yes, I realize she's 8 months now) and I need to make the grocery list, etc. I also didn't have access to my e-mail at the hotel, so I need to check in for work.

Monday I go back to Chicago for a different meeting and will get in late on Tuesda. After that, things should slow back down. So, see I have been busy, not just lazy.

Grace is getting antsy, so I'm going to go play with her. Later I'll come back and do her 8 month update. Wow, where does the time go.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Another Week

Nothing much going on here, but I thought I should write something. We just had a nice relaxing, nothing planned kind of weekend. Well, originally we had things planned, but they were out of town things, and Eric always works the last weekend of the month, so we stayed put. Originally, I was supposed to go to a High School friend's baby shower back in Indiana on Saturday, and then my cousin got married on Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately with Eric's work schedule, he couldn't have left until Saturday afternoon, which would have killed the shower idea. I didn't want to drive that far with Grace by myself. And then the wedding was at 4 p.m. on Sunday, so we probably would have had take today off work. Nothing seemed to work out, so we didn't do anything.

Saturday I got lucky and Grace slept until 8:30 a.m. Eric was already at work before we got up. Didn't do much around home, just some laundry, ran the vacuum, and then did some shopping errands. Saturday evening, our neighbors came over and we grilled steaks out and played some games. We always take turns dog-sitting when we go out of town, but we haven't really done anything social in a long time. It was nice to spend time without asking for a favor.

Sunday we had church and then a 2:00 p.m. softball game. After the game we just hung out at home and relaxed. It was actually very, very nice.

This week my company bought us tickets for a family night at the Minor Leauge baseball game. We'll go and hang out with others from work. Friday, I have "summer hours" so I'll get to leave at noon. Not really anything else planned.

Next week will be very busy. Sunday is our softball tournament and then VBS starts Sunday evening through Thursday evening. This year I'm doing crafts. I have to miss the last night for a work meeting in Chicago that will be Thursday and Friday. I'll catch dinner with Danialle on Thursday though. Then on Monday I'll head back to Chicago for a baseball game in the evening and a different meeting on Tuesday.

Can't think of much more to talk about. I did download some of our Chicago pics in Flickr. I'm also planning on eventually organizing my pictures into Albums and also trying to figure out how to get the video I took of Grace playing online. I don't think I can host it on Flickr and I'm not sure how much space it will take on Ripway. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.