Losing It

After some more internal debating, yesterday I went through with it and got my hair buzzed. It was sort of hard for me considering I still have/had a lot of hair. People that don't know me wouldn't have been able to tell that I was losing it. I could tell though. It was already feeling and looking thinner and everytime I ran my hands through my hair, I ended up with handfuls. While, I probably could have delayed for a while longer, I didn't know how long. Each day the volume of hair coming out was getting progressively worse. I don't know if my first bald spot will show up tomorrow or Wednesday or if I could go another week. I didn't want Monday to wake up with scalp showing and have to figure out what to do about work. Plus, I was filling my trashcans and couldn't keep my hands out of my hair.

So, Saturday morning after going to breakfast with Chadd, Danialle, Eric and Grace, the guys went to do some errands of their own and Danialle and Grace came with me to Great Clips. Here is the before picture:



If you look back to my previous picture of the hair cut, I think you can tell it's thinner now. When it was my turn, I told the woman who was going to cut my hair that I wanted her to wash it first. My scalp is so tender lately, that I really thought a shampoo and massage would feel good. While we were walking to the sink, I told her that I wanted to warn her that I was undergoing chemo therapy and that I was losing my hair. I didn't want her to freak out when it came out in clumps in her hands. Then I told her when we were done that I was going to have her cut it all off. She said, "All of it?" I said yes and she asked if I was sure. I then ran my hand through my hair and showed her the handful that came out. Then she understood. She did a really good job washing my hair and asked me several questions about the type of cancer and my age and if I had kids. When she was done washing my hair I tried to take a look at the sink, but she had already grabbed the hair to take it to the trashcan. It was a big handful. She saw me look and said, "I didn't want you to have to see that." It must have been alot.

We went to the chair and she got out the clippers. We decided to start with a 3/4 inch guard and just see how short I wanted to go. I decided against going bald, just because buzzed will look better for now and relieve most of the issues with the clumps of hair. Plus shaving next to the skin, I could get cut and I certainly don't need an infection. The 3/4 inch was too long, so we went down to a 1/2 inch. Danialle and Grace came over to watch. Grace seemed to be facinated. Here I am in the chair.



There was a point when I saw my hair coming off that I cried a little. It wasn't sobbing, but it was hard to see my hair falling on the floor. This is real now, I officialy feel like a cancer survivor. There were a couple other people in the salon. There was one woman who was there with her daughter and another woman. I could see her watching me in the mirror. When she noticed I saw her looking at me, she told me she overheard my story and she thought I was brave. Danialle told me that she was crying. Everyone kept telling me it looked good. Thankfully, I don't have a weird shaped head, so that's a relief. When we finished, the stylist told me she wanted to give me a hug. I hugged her. It was an emotional event and I'm guessing was her most interesting cut of the day.

Here I am in the salon, just after the haircut.



Once we finished, we went to the grocery store and then went home. I had a migraine by the time we went to the store, so we skipped any other shopping. I kind of think it was stress again. I came home and took some Imitrex and then our guests let me take a nap for about an hour and a half. When I woke up I still had a killer headache, so I took a second dose. I started to feel better after that. Our babysitter came at 5:30 p.m. We went to dinner and a movie. While I was getting ready and was dressed and had my makeup on, but no wig, Eric told me I looked hot. He tried to convince me to go out without the wig, but I didn't want people to stare at me. He said he really likes it short and thinks it looks good. Not that I'd wear it this way on purpose, but it's nice to hear. So, I wore my wig all night. Here is the new look with the wig.



So a day later, I keep forgetting I don't have much hair. It has been nice that I'm not distracted by the clumps of hair falling out. We stayed home this morning since Danialle and Chadd were still here. Eric took them to the airport before he went to watch football, so I haven't left the house today. I'm definately not wearing the wig around the house. It is very itchy (maybe because I still have hair?) and sort of irritated my scalp. I think I'm going to get a wig cap to wear underneath. I think the hair cut was a good idea. Last night after we got home and I took off the wig, I can see where my hair is super thin in the sideburn area. It looks like where the wig was rubbing, it rubbed off the hair. Today if I got into the restroom and rub my head over the sink it gets covered in short little hairs. So even though it isn't nearly as noticable, I still am losing a ton of hair, it is just much shorter. I'm thinking I'll have bald spots within the week.

I've got some good updates on Grace and I need to do her 11 month update, but I'll save that for tomorrow.