Fear

This morning when I came to work, I found out that Norma passed away on Saturday. She was one of our Insurance Assistants that was here before I started. I’m not sure when she was first diagnosed with kidney cancer, but I do know she had one kidney removed and seemed to be doing well for a while, before it came back. I watched her go to lots and lots of doctors appointments, we watched as she told us they found tumors in her bones, breasts, brain, spine, and eventually her lungs. She’s been off work since early summer. She always told us she’d come back. In July the doctors told her to contact hospice, but still she held on. She even drove herself downtown to come to our tailgate lunch for the OSU/Michigan game (11/17). She had such an inner beauty and strength. She had faith up until the very end that somehow God would heal her. And today she is gone.

Times like these remind me that cancer is real. It does kill people. People I know, people I like, people I care about. I feel selfish when I think, I just don’t want it to kill me.

Times like these make me sad and afraid. I’ll never be “over” my cancer. It’s not in my body now, but for the rest of my life I must be diligent to be sure it never comes back. The Young Survival Coilition sent me a letter. I don’t remember what it was about. I only remember this line. “The ten year survival rate for women diagnosed with breast cancer under the age of 40, is 50%.” That number scares me. I need to live longer than 10 years. I have plans. I want another baby. I want to finish school. I want to be a doctor. I want to watch my daughter graduate high school, college, and get married. I want to be a grandma. I want to live.

Only 7 days until my next mammogram. I take comfort in the fact that I have doctors checking on me constantly. No more cancer for me.