Literally. I've spent a lot of time thinking about details this week and I think it has not necessarily been a good thing. When I started the process of going back to school in 2006, I was initally completely freaked out and terrified. Then after significant prayer and reflection, I decided to take it one step at a time and trust that if God called me to go back to school, that he would provide the means to do so. Since then, I've plodded along step by step. Now I feel like the pace is picking up and I am nearing the finish line of the preparation stage of this process.
I could be really freaked out right now. I am still working full time and going to school. I have two young children. The economy is horrible. My husband has been unemployed for 6 months. But, I haven't been stressed. I still believe that the right job opportunity will come along and until then with the combination of unemployment, the part-time funds, and saving child-care expenses for Grace, we are in the same financial situation we were before Eric lost his job. We still have about 6 weeks of the initial unemployment and then are eligible for an additional 26 week extension, so we are ok financially for a while.
Regarding what will happen when I get to go to school full time, I honestly haven't focused on the financial part of it. I have been just having faith that God will provide. Last week, however, Eric made me focus on it just a little bit more. We started discussing the possibility of having more children and he shared with me his anxiety of how we are going to afford for me to go to school with only one income (regardless of how many children we have at the time). Considering I'll be going full time, we'll still need at least part-time childcare and unless Eric's new salary is significantly (at least 50%) higher than what my salary is now, we won't have enough money to pay our bills, not to mention pay for childcare or any extras. That is one detail I haven't been concentrating on. I guess I just assume that somehow we'll figure out how to pay the bills and I'll get scholarships or loans to cover the actual school costs. Add to the financial strain, my desire to have a third child at some point, and now, I'm starting to freak out a little. The timing of the next baby is hard for me. I don't really want 5 years between Luke and the next one, but I also don't want to put off full-time school until 2011. The only other option would be to get things started in the next 6 months or so, but that is so questionable because of the employment situation and if we'd be able to afford 3 kids after I quit my job.
I have alot of unresolved issues that are keeping me unsettled. So, I'm trying to get back to that place where I put one foot in front of another and trust that I'm not walking off the edge of a cliff.
I'd like to share with you the prayer I've been praying and will be praying all week.
"I pray for faith. Give me faith that you will find a way to provide the desires of my heart. If the desires of my heart do not align with your will for my life, I pray that you will change the desires of my heart to fit your will and give me peace. I pray for faith that you will supply all our needs and give me the wisdom to see the doors you open before me and take what you are giving me. I pray for faith to trust that your will is perfect and you will bless me and my family."
If any of you out there are also the praying type, I wouldn't mind a little extra prayer for the following:
- Eric's permanent employment options
- Continued success in classes and other preparations in order to apply to school this fall
- A clear path to be revealed regarding the future of our family planning
Well about that success, I should get back to studying as I have Lab Practical #2 this Saturday and want to keep that 95% grade in tact. (Have I mentioned that I love my Anatomy class!)
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2 comments:
I completely understand your situation and will lift you and your family up in prayer. When I first decided to work on my doctorate, I took two classes in a semester while I was still working and Jayla was about 18 months old. While I felt like I was being called to pursue the degree, I barily survived the semester. I kept telling my husband that the only way that I could do it is to go to school full-time. I wanted to be able to completely devote my non-family focus to my educational pursuits instead of being pulled in so many direction. But, we needed my salary...or at least most of it! I believed it would happen, though, and it did. Right now, I'm bringing home enough to pay for childcare and a few extras while going to school full-time. I also did not want 5 years between Jayla and Kid #2 so, here I am almost 7 months pregnant, facing a 50% cut in my assistantship money for next year and no idea how I'm going to pay for the childcare for Kid #2 that I need in order to finish up my degree. But, I trust that since God put me in this situation, He knows the solution. My job is just to stay in His will. I'm sure the same will happen with you. And how awesome it will be as you continue to add such awesome details to your testimony!
I loved hearing your heart and will be praying for you.
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