Why I Wore Red Lipstick...

A week or so ago, there was a Lifetime movie on called "Why I Wore Red Lipstick to My Mastectomy." I recorded it on the DVR and just got around to watching it tonight. I must say I was surprised at my response. To give you a brief overview of the story, a 27 year old woman on the brink of starting to try to have children, finds a lump in her breast. She's married to a doctor and after a flurry of testing they find out she has cancer. She spends some time researching and decides to have a masectomy rather than a lumpectomy and radiation. She then goes through chemo. The story has a nice wrap up including a tattoo to remind her of her fight, a photo shoot for Self magazine showing her scar, and finally a baby being born.

I'm over a year out from my diagnosis, my scars have healed, my chemo was finished 8 months ago, and I'm almost done with the Herceptin treatment. I've never found it difficult to discuss my cancer situation and have in general felt that I've been very positive and optimistic.

Tonight I started watching the movie while Grace was coloring before starting her bedtime routine. As the movie started and she started having all the tests done, I felt the tears coming and realized I couldn't watch it casually while playing with Grace. I turned it off until after bedtime where I could feel free to feel any emotion that came to me.

Watching this woman go through what I've just been through brought back so many memories. I forgot how scared I was those first couple of weeks when everything is so uncertain. I even briefly wondered if I should have considered a masectomy. I realized I never want to do it again. I watched her go through chemo and she looked so pale and frail and never cut her hair as it thinned. I was proud of the fact that I didn't ever get that sick and people always said I looked great (heck I even gained 20 pounds). I'm glad I shaved my hair off and wore my baldness like a badge of honor. I related to the discussions in the chemo room with other patients. I felt thankful that my relationship with my husband only got stronger while at first she struggled with hers. I loved that she got a tattoo to symbolize her journey. So did I, but she did it alone, and I did it with my girlfriends.

And I relized that maybe my scars haven't healed yet. This journey isn't over, it's something that will always be with me. A time in my life that I can reach back to and draw strength from. And I loved the ending where she had a baby (the after credits told about her second one). Cancer didn't steal my life or my future. It made me appreciate what I have and vow to make my life and my future something I can look back and be proud of. So many people don't make it through cancer. If I'm one of the lucky ones that do make it (which I fully intend to be), I want to make sure my life was worth being here for.

Speaking of...I've got a Chemistry book upstairs calling my name. If I ever want to get into medical school....