Worries

I wasn’t going to write this until the whole story was complete, but I changed my mind for two reasons. One, this is supposed to be my journal, and I think I should record my feelings right now which are bound to be different than they will be in two days, regardless of the end of the story. Number two, I’m never one to turn down prayers, so getting this out there early, may get me some more prayer time.

Last Tuesday (7/25), I took the whole day off work for tons of Dr.’s appointments. It started off with a 9:30 a.m. appointment with the Cancer Genetics counselor. We had a good chat for probably an hour and a half about the BRCA 1 & 2 testing and what a positive or negative response would mean for me and the rest of the family. It ended with me going to the lab and getting my blood drawn to send away for the DNA analysis. I’ll get my results at my next appointment on August 29th. Also at the blood draw, they took a couple more vials of blood for my blood work ordered for my 8/3 appointment with Dr. L.

Next, I decided to meet some friends for lunch before heading back for my 1:00 p.m. tests. I started with a chest x-ray, followed by a mammogram, then a breast ultrasound. All ordered for my 8/3 appointment. The radiologist checked my mammogram and said it looked clear. Then when I went in for the ultrasound I asked the Tech a question. I’ve noticed lately that my lumpectomy scar is very thick and solid underneath. I asked how I should know the difference between scar tissue or something else coming back. To try to describe my concern, my lumpectomy scar feels completely different from my lymph node scar and even my port scar. When I saw Dr. L in February, she mentioned that my scar felt thick, but at that time, I had her feel my lymph node scar and they were both thick. Now, it’s just the lumpectomy. Plus, it’s not the same across the whole length of the scar. There is one spot under the scar that is more solid and firm than the rest of it. So, I asked the question. The Tech said she would look at that area more closely and then have the breast health nurse talk to me. When she finished she called in the radiologist and the nurse. The radiologist said she really couldn’t tell if there was something there. There was a “shadowy” area under my scar, but she said all scars look bad on ultrasound, and since she hadn’t seen it before, she couldn’t tell if it was a change or just my baseline. She suggested that I discuss it with Dr. L next week, she’d write it up in her report, and maybe if Dr. L seemed concerned, she would do a FNA (Fine Needle Aspiration). I mentioned that I wasn’t interested in a FNA, considering the first one I ever had gave me a false-negative.

Now to Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, I had an appointment with Dr. Y for my Herceptin and it was also Dr. visit day, so I got to talk to him in an exam room. He came in with my MUGA results (from 6/19) and my blood work from Tuesday. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before, but my previous MUGA scans were 71% (baseline), and 72% (February). My June scan was 61%. Over 50% is considered normal, but this is a pretty big drop for me. He said if it goes into the 50’s we’ll stop Herceptin, so I’m going to get checked again in October and we’ll hope it goes back up. Then he looked at my blood work which was fine. Then when he asked if I had any questions, I relayed the information from Tuesday’s ultrasound. He said since I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. L, he would just let her examine me and deal with it. Then I went to the infusion room to get started. A couple minutes later, Dr. Y came to get me again. After our talk her printed off my results from the ultrasound and after reading it, decided he would check me. He felt the scar area and said the same thing. It’s probably just scar tissue, but he really can’t tell. There’s definitely something under there, but it’s hard to say what it is. He would recommend another ultrasound in a couple of months to see if anything changes.

So by Thursday morning, I’m starting to freak out a little. I have another whole week until my appointment, which seems like an eternity, so I call the office on the off chance they can get me in earlier. Worst case scenario is I see the doctor in a week. I explain everything to the nurse/admin, who tells me they can’t really say what it is without examining me (duh!), and she’ll relay the info to Dr. L. I get a call back later and a new appointment for 10:15 a.m. on Friday.

Eric decided to come with me on Friday. We got in to the room and Dr. L came to see us. I apologized for freaking out and asking to come in early, but she reassured me that she was the one that agreed to move up the appointment. She did an exam and told me that she also could feel something under there, but it really could just be scar tissue. She looked at the ultrasound and this time I got to look too. I could definitely see the shadowy area, but it wasn’t as defined as the tumor, so I don’t know. She thinks it really unlikely that something’s back, especially since we’ve hit it with chemo, radiation, Herceptin, tamoxophin, etc. However, to make us more comfortable, she said she’d do a FNA. Eric quickly spoke up and told her we weren’t really comfortable with the results of a FNA. She made a comment that it is true that they are less reliable after radiation and with scar tissue (yikes). I spoke up and reminded her that my first FNA said my tumor was benign. Then she remembered “You’re the fibroadenoma girl!” Then she thought for a minute to see what else she could do. She decided to get out her ultrasound machine and see if the spot was large enough for a core-needle (ultrasound-guided) biopsy. After looking, she decided maybe she could get a sample. They numbed me up and then I just watched the ultrasound rather than what she was doing. All I can say is that the core-needle device looked a little like a cookie press and Eric said the needle was the size of a pencil. They had to make a small incision with a scalpel to stick it in and then I felt lots of pressure and pulling and tugging. When they got to the spot, they pulled a trigger and it sliced a piece of tissue and sucked it up into the needle. Then they pulled it out and deposited the tissue into a dish. They did this 3 times. Afterwards, I got very lightheaded and nauseous and thought I might pass out, but it passed. Dr. L said she felt even better about everything after seeing the tissue. She thinks it’s just scar tissue. It will be sent to pathology and I should have results on Tuesday or Wednesday. We’re also keeping my Thursday appointment to discuss everything else we didn’t discuss.

So now I wait. It’s hard. Everyone is acting very positive, but I don’t trust the gut feelings anymore. How many times did they tell me “I’m sure it’s nothing,” before? Hopefully it is nothing, just some scar tissue on a breast that’s already been through a lot, but I don’t know yet. I just pray for the next two days to pass quickly and good results at the end of day. I’ve done this before and I don’t want to do it again.

My Baby

I don't know why it hit me today, but I am amazed by the work the doctor's did to repair Grace's cleft palate. She will never remember the first year of her life when she had a "disability." While I remember the special requirements of feeding time, it never slowed her down. I am so blessed to have a perfectly normal healthy toddler. One day I'll have to convince her to let me try to get a picture of the repaired palate. Except for the fact that the back (closest to her throat) isn't quite symetrical, it looks like she has always had skin covering the roof of her mouth.

While we still may have some speech therapy in the future, Grace's vocabulary has exploded. Strangers may not catch all the words, but here are the ones I know she tries to say:
Mommy
Daddy
Zeus
Eat
Banana
Milk
More
Bubbles
Thank you
Please
Hi
Hello
Bye
See ya
Grandma
Grandpa
Hot Dog
Fishies (goldfish)
Table
Outside
Shoes
No
Yes
Uh-ooh
Out
Up
Baby
Yellow
Blue
Green

Animal Sounds:
Woof Woof
Meow
Baa
Neigh
Oink
Ooh, Ohh (monkey)
Elephant (sounds a lot like a horse, but she does her arm like a trunk)
Quack
Tweet-Tweet

There's probably more, but that's all I can think of right now. She's such a big girl and she amazes me daily. She's becoming a mimic and is trying to do so much more every day. She loves to try on people's shoes. She loves to color. I still think she's left handed. She helps pick up and will put her trash in the trashcan without prompting. She also gives the best hugs and kisses. I love that little girl more than I ever could have imagined.

This brings me to another thought. I try not to think about it too much, but it seems like the people that were pregnant during some of the same time that I was pregnant are starting to get pregnant again. Actually I only have two examples, one of which is my best friend. It makes me a little sad, because my maternal urges are stirring. I would love to be pregnant again, but I know that for my health it's best to continue to wait (which isn't that hard considering I have an IUD and would have to have a doctor remove it to get started). It's so bittersweet. I'm happy for those that are moving on with their families, but at the same time, I wish it could be me. I just have to continue to have faith that eventually my time will come and the way time flies, it will be sooner than I think. I shouldn't complain, because at least I have Grace and she's more than I could have asked for.

Ok, I need to do some work tonight, so I'm going to go for now.

Don't Assume

Just in case you ever want to look something up online from Dick's Sporting Goods, the website is NOT www.dicks.com. Sometimes it's better to Google than to type in the address you assume is right on your work laptop.

Just a piece of advice.

Vacation

Riding the Elephant
Originally uploaded by Jenmomma.

We had a lovely vacation and I've uploaded some pics. This one is from the zoo today.

To start with some background, last Thursday I came down with a horrible cold. I was super congested and stuffy on Thursday and Friday. Friday we closed early and after leaving around 3:00 p.m., I came home and started packing for our trip.

Saturday morning we got up early and left for the airport around 7:00 a.m. My head was starting to feel better, but I now had a cough and was losing my voice. The flights were fairly uneventful. The first leg was from Columbus to Minneapolis and Grace napped about an hour. We had about a 3 hour layover, so we took our time walking to the gates and had a leisurely lunch at TGI Friday's. The second leg got us into Des Moines at around 2:30 p.m. (central time). Mom, Dad and Jeremy met us at the airport. From there we split up. Eric went with Jeremy and they stopped by an army surplus store to get camo's for a paintball game. Grace and I went with Mom and Dad and we made a stop at a Super Wal-Mart on the way back to Pella. At Wal-Mart we stocked up with groceries for the week plus some essentials we decided not to pack (diapers, baby soap, baby shampoo, swim diapers, etc.) Grandpa also got a little carried away and got Grace lots of toys to play with at their house. We got home, had dinner and relaxed for the evening.

Sunday morning we all went to church. After church, Eric and Jeremy headed to a paintball game/match that Jeremy had organized with some friends of his. The rest of us, went home and took a bit of a nap. Grace and Grandpa also played in the pool and played with bubbles outside. The boys got back in the late afternoon (Eric complete with bruises) and we headed over to the church 4th of July picnic. There had to be at least 200 people there, and it was a good time. There was lots of good food and some fun things for the kids. There was a bouncey castle, temporary tattoos, necklace making, not to mention a playground and a horse! Unfortunately around 8 pm it started to rain and the fireworks got cancelled. We headed home and put Grace to bed.

Monday, Eric got his fishing license and spent a good portion of the day fishing. I ended up going to the doctor about my cold/sinus infection and got an antibiotic that helped clear me up tremendously. I can't remember what else we did all day, but it probably involved another trip to Wal-Mart. Also, in the evening, Eric and I took a drive on the 4-wheelers. It was lots of fun.

Tuesday was the 4th of July. We had Grace take an early nap, so she'd be ready for the festivities. After lunch we headed downtown in Pella. They had lots of activities in the town square inlcuding mini-golf, a frog-jumping contest, and more. The main event was the parade. It lasted about 2 hours, but we had a really good time. Grace figured out that they were throwing candy. She had so much sugar! She drank almost all of Grandpa's strawberry smoothy. She had parts of at least 3 suckers, 2 tootsie rolls, plus some of Grandma's cotten candy. Wow! Once the parade was over, we went home and let Grace take an afternoon nap, so we could go watch fireworks. We went to a friend of my parents house and watched them. Grace was up late that night!

Wednesday we stopped by my Mom's office to see her coworkers and a Christian book store. In the evening, Eric went fishing again, and Mom and I went to her weekly bible study. Grandpa stayed home to give Grace her bath and put her to bed. I think he was a little nervous, but it all turned out all right. She was clean and asleep when we got home!

Thursday morning, Eric and I drove to a neighboring town rented some clubs and played a round of golf. I haven't golfed with Eric since college and it was really nice to get to play 18 holes with my hubby. My Mom watched Grace and we just enjoyed ourselves. It was a little expensive by the time we paid for the cart, clubs, and green fees, plus balls and tees, but totally worth it. I love golfing. Seriously, I could play a couple times a week if I had the time. We got home around 1 p.m and took quick showers. Grace was napping. Around 2 we left on a double date with my Mom and Dad. We took Grace to one of the teens from Mom and Dad's church to babysit and we went to Des Moines. We watched Superman Returns and had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We got home around 9 pm and found that Grace had been an angel. Awww.

Friday, I slept until almost 8:30 am and then had to start packing. It took me almost until 11 to figure out how to get all of our stuff back in the bags and I ended up having to borrow a bag from my brother, to get it all in. Funny how you always come home with more than you take. We left around 11 for the airport and Grace took a little nap on the way. Our flight was supposed to leave at 1:30, but was delayed until 2:25. After fighting sleep on the plane, Grace slept for the final 45 minutes of the flight to Detroit. Our delay, shortened our lay-over to only 2 1/2 hours, but that was still plenty of time to get a nice dinner at Chili's and walk to our gate. Grace ran around for a while, I think she had to keep moving, so she wouldn't fall asleep. She was very good on our short flight back to Columbus. We got in around 8:30 p.m. and by the time we collected our baggage and Eric got the car, it was after nine. Grace didn't get to bed until almost 10 p.m. She was such a tired girl.

Today, Grace slept until after 9 (thank you!). After she was up and dressed for a while, we decided to go ahead and head to the zoo. We were planning on meeting Will, Samara and Ava, after lunch, but Grace was dying to get out of the house, so we left early. We visited Asia Quest, took a carosel ride, and grabbed some lunch before meeting up with friends. Once we met up with them, we did another carosel ride, and visited some more animals until Grace finally fell asleep in the stroller around 3 pm (hmmm, maybe because I didn't give her a nap!) That was our cue to head home and she napped until 5 pm. After that, Grace and went to the grocery store then came home and had dinner. By 7:30 p.m. she was acting very sleepy, so we headed up to bed.

Tomorrow we have church and a softball game and then it's back to the real world. I really needed this time off and had a great time. Next week will be totally crazy. Monday I have a 9:00 internal meeting, a team lunch, a 2:45 p.m. Dr. appt, and class. Tuesday I have class again, and then Wednesday and Thursday I have a business trip to Milwaukee. Back to the grind!