Worries

I wasn’t going to write this until the whole story was complete, but I changed my mind for two reasons. One, this is supposed to be my journal, and I think I should record my feelings right now which are bound to be different than they will be in two days, regardless of the end of the story. Number two, I’m never one to turn down prayers, so getting this out there early, may get me some more prayer time.

Last Tuesday (7/25), I took the whole day off work for tons of Dr.’s appointments. It started off with a 9:30 a.m. appointment with the Cancer Genetics counselor. We had a good chat for probably an hour and a half about the BRCA 1 & 2 testing and what a positive or negative response would mean for me and the rest of the family. It ended with me going to the lab and getting my blood drawn to send away for the DNA analysis. I’ll get my results at my next appointment on August 29th. Also at the blood draw, they took a couple more vials of blood for my blood work ordered for my 8/3 appointment with Dr. L.

Next, I decided to meet some friends for lunch before heading back for my 1:00 p.m. tests. I started with a chest x-ray, followed by a mammogram, then a breast ultrasound. All ordered for my 8/3 appointment. The radiologist checked my mammogram and said it looked clear. Then when I went in for the ultrasound I asked the Tech a question. I’ve noticed lately that my lumpectomy scar is very thick and solid underneath. I asked how I should know the difference between scar tissue or something else coming back. To try to describe my concern, my lumpectomy scar feels completely different from my lymph node scar and even my port scar. When I saw Dr. L in February, she mentioned that my scar felt thick, but at that time, I had her feel my lymph node scar and they were both thick. Now, it’s just the lumpectomy. Plus, it’s not the same across the whole length of the scar. There is one spot under the scar that is more solid and firm than the rest of it. So, I asked the question. The Tech said she would look at that area more closely and then have the breast health nurse talk to me. When she finished she called in the radiologist and the nurse. The radiologist said she really couldn’t tell if there was something there. There was a “shadowy” area under my scar, but she said all scars look bad on ultrasound, and since she hadn’t seen it before, she couldn’t tell if it was a change or just my baseline. She suggested that I discuss it with Dr. L next week, she’d write it up in her report, and maybe if Dr. L seemed concerned, she would do a FNA (Fine Needle Aspiration). I mentioned that I wasn’t interested in a FNA, considering the first one I ever had gave me a false-negative.

Now to Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon, I had an appointment with Dr. Y for my Herceptin and it was also Dr. visit day, so I got to talk to him in an exam room. He came in with my MUGA results (from 6/19) and my blood work from Tuesday. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before, but my previous MUGA scans were 71% (baseline), and 72% (February). My June scan was 61%. Over 50% is considered normal, but this is a pretty big drop for me. He said if it goes into the 50’s we’ll stop Herceptin, so I’m going to get checked again in October and we’ll hope it goes back up. Then he looked at my blood work which was fine. Then when he asked if I had any questions, I relayed the information from Tuesday’s ultrasound. He said since I had an appointment scheduled with Dr. L, he would just let her examine me and deal with it. Then I went to the infusion room to get started. A couple minutes later, Dr. Y came to get me again. After our talk her printed off my results from the ultrasound and after reading it, decided he would check me. He felt the scar area and said the same thing. It’s probably just scar tissue, but he really can’t tell. There’s definitely something under there, but it’s hard to say what it is. He would recommend another ultrasound in a couple of months to see if anything changes.

So by Thursday morning, I’m starting to freak out a little. I have another whole week until my appointment, which seems like an eternity, so I call the office on the off chance they can get me in earlier. Worst case scenario is I see the doctor in a week. I explain everything to the nurse/admin, who tells me they can’t really say what it is without examining me (duh!), and she’ll relay the info to Dr. L. I get a call back later and a new appointment for 10:15 a.m. on Friday.

Eric decided to come with me on Friday. We got in to the room and Dr. L came to see us. I apologized for freaking out and asking to come in early, but she reassured me that she was the one that agreed to move up the appointment. She did an exam and told me that she also could feel something under there, but it really could just be scar tissue. She looked at the ultrasound and this time I got to look too. I could definitely see the shadowy area, but it wasn’t as defined as the tumor, so I don’t know. She thinks it really unlikely that something’s back, especially since we’ve hit it with chemo, radiation, Herceptin, tamoxophin, etc. However, to make us more comfortable, she said she’d do a FNA. Eric quickly spoke up and told her we weren’t really comfortable with the results of a FNA. She made a comment that it is true that they are less reliable after radiation and with scar tissue (yikes). I spoke up and reminded her that my first FNA said my tumor was benign. Then she remembered “You’re the fibroadenoma girl!” Then she thought for a minute to see what else she could do. She decided to get out her ultrasound machine and see if the spot was large enough for a core-needle (ultrasound-guided) biopsy. After looking, she decided maybe she could get a sample. They numbed me up and then I just watched the ultrasound rather than what she was doing. All I can say is that the core-needle device looked a little like a cookie press and Eric said the needle was the size of a pencil. They had to make a small incision with a scalpel to stick it in and then I felt lots of pressure and pulling and tugging. When they got to the spot, they pulled a trigger and it sliced a piece of tissue and sucked it up into the needle. Then they pulled it out and deposited the tissue into a dish. They did this 3 times. Afterwards, I got very lightheaded and nauseous and thought I might pass out, but it passed. Dr. L said she felt even better about everything after seeing the tissue. She thinks it’s just scar tissue. It will be sent to pathology and I should have results on Tuesday or Wednesday. We’re also keeping my Thursday appointment to discuss everything else we didn’t discuss.

So now I wait. It’s hard. Everyone is acting very positive, but I don’t trust the gut feelings anymore. How many times did they tell me “I’m sure it’s nothing,” before? Hopefully it is nothing, just some scar tissue on a breast that’s already been through a lot, but I don’t know yet. I just pray for the next two days to pass quickly and good results at the end of day. I’ve done this before and I don’t want to do it again.